Mini Mind Vacation

Okay. I knew it would happen sooner or later...that i would lose track of writing. And i did. But now i have to start again because im getting the mond build-ups again and then they are followed by mind explosions in front of people...

...these explosions arent good. Well..professionals i go to and myself think they ARE perfectly normal when i hold emotions in for so long that they finally pour out. I cant help it. And its unavoidable....but also i feel they make me feel good. But i notice the average human being sees it as a "major" freakout. Ugh. In this situation it definitely becomes me being stuck between a rock and a hard place. But honestly i just wish people would stop and assess why its happening. With that said i believe its just natural human instinct to be overwhelmed and flee a person acting like this...like when someone dies...people just simply do not know how to react.

Ugh. Anyways. Now i have my wisdom tooth out and what an ordeal it was. Its taking two weeks of bullshit. Phillips gave me the talk about low hours and health insurance last monday and then all this started and im just not happy. If i lose my insurance oh well. I had to get this taken care of.

About a month ago i also met someone really fantastic that has been a great motivation to me as far as the over wellness oh my body and mind. I met Jeanine...
...Jeanine could be my twin except shes about 30 years older than me. She has overcome the destruction of diabetes by working out at the gym...something i thought i would NEVER do. I saw her sucess story and i had to do it. I finally joined the gym. And let me tell you...endorphins are one of my favorite drugs now. I needed to do it. And im glad i did. She is scaringly like me...traits little and big about her. She has a love for birds and bird motifs. Crystals and trinkets...awesome shoes and clothes...totally in love with her feminine side. She also has helped me over mountains with being at peace with myself and reminding me i need to be happy...my happiness comes FIRST now. All about me. I need to embrace ME. Me and her support each other through similar situations that not many people are having and it feels awesome. She has definitely brought me to the next chapter in my life.

Happiness. Sad to say also last week i lost a friend. She truly believes i have been so incredibly tosic to her that she deleted me from her life. The last words she sent to me were so incredibly hurtful and ridiculous i just shrugged my shoulders and didnt really care either. She left my life. If she ever becomes ready to come back ill still be here. I dont know if she will but its not loss if she doesnt. I dont even feel like elaborating on any details of all the things i thought and the things that happened between us and the reasons why i think its absolutely absurd. Karma is a bitch. But i dont wish the worst to her. I pray that she finds HER place in the sun and she lives on. I still love her. And also that is what she told me lastly was its bullshit that i do. Its alright. No loss.

There were several people in my life recently that i felt i was so close to that up and quit on me...just like when my dad died. But i feel i found strength to not care if they feel im just so out of control for them. And i could go on about how theyve hurt me too but ive put up with it. I just dont give a fuck anymore about it. Im stick of trying to stick up for myself and cover my ass when im in an argument. Ive definitely been friends with the complete wrong people for me.


I feel June was a groundbreaking month. I did a couplke things this month ive never done before and its just opened my eyes and simplified things for me. Slowly ive felt myself dropping back in my body. These past two years i felt like ive been coasting in a spot of the universe that hasnt felt real...real as in me like 5 or so years ago. I keep telling myself "Im going to be oikay somebody i swear" Im definitely one of those 1,500 piece jigsaw puzzles that got kncoked off a card table half finished....
....you cant put togther one of those things at a party. Too many drunk people walking around with not a care in the world. I know now that this is an independant project i have to complete by myself.

...so here i go.

nothing more.

i dont have to say right now. i said it all, this pitcher is empty at the moment...

time to put it in the diswasher...adding dish soap now...

i know im leaving the weekend knowing the meaning of a psychopath and a sociopath and a whole journey ahead of me.

pressing the "on" button

waking up from a week long nap

Alright...my internal alarm just went off i think...im finally awake. ITS FUCKING SUNDAY WHAT THE HELL...

last week was my birthday week...the week that i wait for all year because deep down i just love something to be truly all about me and so rightly so...
yeah. didnt turn out that way at ALL. ive been concious...but also ive been the most sick and the most moody ive been in a loooonnnng time. TOO MUCH THINKING. TOO MUCH STRESS. TOO MUCH UPSET STOMACH.

I honestly think i fucked myself by just constantly worrying ALL WEEK something was going to be wrong and everyday this week there was!

I have to conclude that if you really worry something is going to go wrong...IT WILL.

The only day that went right i believe was monday! I felt like my new, productive self and work went fine. Oh wait..yeah. Monday night i set myself up for failure because once again i was dressed up with nowhere to go and waitng for a phone cAll that repeatedly never comes. Sigh. Times i do that i want to kick my own teeth in because that means i failed again at building my hopes up for the usual buzzkill. I HATE the buzzkill...yet again and again i leave myself open for it. WHERE the fuck am i ever goinbg to get the power to not give a fuck anymore?
WHERE?

Tuesday was a lazy day...it wasnt bad but it wasnt at all productive. A lot of worrying thaT my birthday was going to go unnoticed by my "friends". Every year...every god damn year i want my birthday to be completely AWESOME. I just want to be aurrounded by people that care about me...or at least people who can act like they do. Im not trusting alot of people that much lately...and im talking about the ones that appear to be closest to me.

Wednesday...ahhh. My BIRTHDAY! I actually felt GREAT at work...it was awesome...not going to lie...i felt loved and appreciated. Most of the feeling i just strive for. Jeanie made me an awesome no sugar added carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, and i got sugar free chocolate too! The new girl Betsy made me sugar cookies and she kept appoligizing she didnt know i was diabetic :D. Haha i dont even care...someone had me on their mind and was making me something for my birthday...so awesome. Carole got me a super cute feather headband and the owner's wife Sandy even made me hot artichoke dip with cheese which was none the less AMAZING! For the place that i think doesnt really care about me as a human being they sure made me feel like i mattered.
Came home and mom got me my favorite pie ever..lemon supreme and "brithday chicken salad" LOL. Heres wehre the worrying started...
As soon as i ate i started worrying about my stomach and having to be locked in a caR FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME. I feel if i didnt worry the whole time i was in that van i wouldnt of been so sick.

So i spent the lot of the rest of the day silent, worried, humilated, and embarrssed. And as sick as can be.

God...could you have please put that on hold till the next day? Who do i have to kiss ass to get ONE FUCKING worry free, sick free day around here? Ithink out of some of the good deeds i do i should be allowed one or eight million.

Well, on the bright side...brittany put togther this amazing photo album of pictures of me and her and i cried when i read the words it said. We were supposed to take more pictures that day to put in there. As of now i see ONE exists and im in the bottom corner of it. Yeah. I feel so shitty about that....
Mastodon none the less blew my mind away. One of those bands that groove so hard i get lost in the feeling of the sound. Second best concert i have ever been to.
Kaley got me a bag of awesome gifts also...that was so nice and each of them were totally me. These are the things i wait for in life..for my love to be reciprocated from the ones i love.

Thursday couldnt of sucked anymore than it did...went to work late because my stomach would not let me function as a member of society. Thanks. Im looking greater and greater everyday to that company as an awesome employee. The thing is if they could be me for one fucking I honestly believe the6y could not handle it.

Friday was a bust. Worked and wasted my night sleeping. I felt like i hadnt sleep in months. Its ok...no one made any effort to acknowledge my existence so.

Saturday could of just as well be erased from my life history. Sick to the point of passing out. Slept most of the day again. Sick at night. Alex Ilg took me to ihop though and took awesome care of me. He really had true and nice things to say about me. He was the postive influence i needed.

Which brings me to sunday...today i looked in the mirror and said here i am earth...im back. I have to turn things around this week. I HAVE TO GET AN APPOINTMENT ASAP WITH DR SPADONI. I fucking missed that appointment monday...how the fuck could i do that to myself? I honestly feel my mind took a vacation because it wasnt here for most of the week. Today im slapping myself...WAKE UP. Last week was a fluke! I wasnt feeling that awesome surge of rebirth thats for damn sure. So many missed phone calls, texts...get it togther.



It rained one of the days this week though and i felt it was another breakthrough...i noticed something while walking up to my house... a worm. Its been YEARS since ive noticed worms when it rains...

Shes a Lady

I remember reading a book where they explained red letter and black letter days. I guess when my envelope opened for the day it had one of each...

I got to sleep in for a bit finally...i was up about ten am instead of my usual twelve pm or later norm for a sunday. Basically rolled off the couch and left the house. I had to go up to phillips to get the freshest, prettiest flowers i could get. No jewel bouquets here. I put togther a huge bouquet of starfighter lillies, fushia peonies, and light pink fragrant stock with variegated lily grass. Perfest. Celloed it up with pink tissue and a light pink bow for my corinne. Came home after that and rummaged through the biggest box in the basement...the barbie box. I was able to find one of corinnes barbies in it...dressed her up and gave her a backpack full with little barbie trinkets that pertained to corinne...a barbie soccorball, hairdryer, soda, mirror, hairbrush, perfume. Had to make sure her barbie was prepared for any journey she was going to partake which i believe she was going home wioth the naumanns...

This wake was different from any other wake i had been too. Definitely the second most upsetting...first being dads. Every funeraL I have to endure now i will always remember walking into my dads for the first time...



I hadnt seen my dad since i told him i loved him the thursday before he went missing so it had been about a week and a half before i saw him again. Instantly walking into that funeral home i gripped my mom and had instant anixety and shakes. I did not want to walk up to that casket...and this memory will return and return to me for the rest of my life. Theres dad...in a casket.

THERES DAD IN A CASKET. THERES DAD IN A CASKET.

I lost it. It didnt even look like my dad. I was so angry. I was so sad. I was crushed. I was broken. I wanted to jump in there with him and just get creamated along with him. I had no choice...this is it. I pinned the most beautifukl boutonierre i had ever made on him. He didnt like wearing flowers. Well guess what dad, you are riding out in style for this one. I gave him my prettiest rosary.

I pulled up today to the funeral home. Walked through the parking lot seeing random peiople from life in plainfield...all striken with grief. I hugged Nicole basically and walked in...no one else cared to say a word to me. Thats fine...fuck 'em.

The demeanor in the funeral home was silent. Almost not a word was spoken between people just everyone looking at everyone else. I gathered up every ounce of any strength i had left in me to not lose it. I sobbed the whole time. We were seated right away and i looked to the front. I saw flowers, i saw pictures. I saw corinnes beautiful face in a frame. But no corinne. No ashes? No box? No body? No actual knowledge of how my friend slipped out of our lives into the next. Its upsetting me. Its eerie. The whole experience today was like that....

I wanted to hug Chad. I was told he was not speaking to a soul. Someday soon ill see him. We were seating, there was a service...her parents upset me the most. Whatever happened to Corinne must have been something she did....i feel if it was an accident we would know about it. And im so sorry....god help her family get through this. When the speaking ended it was like a rush to get everyone through to meet her parents and pay respects. I wanted to look at the posters so bad but it was hurried. The whole nature of the wake was just upsetting. Corinne i know your here...and i want to slap you upside the head. :(

Crystal showed up. THANK GOD crystal showed up. My twinny. We share the same birthday...she was part of our trio. A big part of my life and growing up. A true friend...non drama positve, upbeat. She really gets me. There are so few that i have that are like her. We get outside and some unknown was telling everyone that "everyone" was meeting at lonestar. I didnt want to go. AT all. Especially with a bunch iof people i used to know...that have facebook friended me...that dont GIVE A SHIT about me or anybody but themselves. I looked at Crystal and she wasnt down either. She was lucky and got the chance to opt out of this area...surburbia...Plainfield.... "Never never land"....

Yeah. Thats what iove labeled plainfield now... never never land. Most of the same people are there...doing nothing spectacular...sitting in pools of drama and bullshit...always looking for the party... most are broke with no jobs and just do nothing but shit talk. I feel sorry for the few good eggs left in that carton who are at least trying.

But anyways...Crystal and I broke from that clusterfuck and went to Chilis...lemme tell you i needed her. We needed that talk. Shes got the plan...shes driven, shes still upbeat, so positive...and knows alot of the tools to make it far in terms of just shaping yourself up to be an amazing person...
She was explaining things to help me that ive been slowly realizing the past couple weeks. So many of the same things it was scary. And the things we were relating to were scary too. Like i said my twin...Same birthday same height same sense of humor, shes getting a fucking peacock tasttoed on her back. Oh my god now thats just fucking scary. Awesome but scary. Shes got a wrist tattoo too AND AN EAR TATTOO OMFG. She has stomach business going on too...same eating habits. I walked away from our time togther enlightened and smiling. I will definitely be making a point to spend waaaaaay more time with her because shes worth it. She gets me. I can trust her. Yay.

Ugh. Im not really tired now but i know i work early. Sucks. Crystal is celebrating her birthday downtown where she lives and i just may go up there because she desereves it. I went out tonight for a while for Ilg's 21st. It was me, Dolfo, and Alex. And he was so appreciative i showed up. NJo one else did but us. I felt bad but he didnt he was overjoyed to see us. And im glad. We had a great time. He told me he didnt think i would show up. I told him if i say im going to show up somewhere i usually do...i hate being blown off and try VERY hard not to do it to anyone...but it only happens if im too sick to do something. At the end of the night Dolfo and Alex tell me "You know what? Youre a lady!" I loved that compliment and went to the jukebox to put on Tom JOnes "Shes a Lady".

Bloodshot eyes and barbies

Today was not good. No no no it was NOT good. Woke up with an unexplainable dizziness and stomach upsetness of course.... mood has been stabilizing but stomach problems are starting to get out of hand. Got in the way of working today...on my FAVORITE day to be at work because my creativity just looms out of control. Fuck my life. Yeah i said. I am sick of being sick. And i wanted to go back in time again and again to when i was sixteen because tyhat was a time before my first traumatic event happened and sent my mental health to a downward spiral taking my physical health with it. I have missed out on so much...oh my god it makes me so angry.

Yet i have just always felt its just not my fault. I think lexapro is putting those words in my mouth. I was supposed to go to the doctor thursday to finally start solving mysteries i have been putting up with for the past couple years. Well, my doctor dropped off my insurance and my refetrraL paper was useless. Once again, fuck my life. Back to square one. Get to put up with this shit for god knows when now.

Well if that wasnt such a fantastic beginning to my day, i come home to facebook. Log in, scroll down my news feed and stop in my tracks. Taryn, who i went to grade school thru 7th grade has a status message saying "RIP Corinne" ...ok theres only ONE corinne. the ONLY corinne. my friend corinne of forever. Known her since i moved to plainfield. was my sister practically. THIS COULDNT BE REAL LIFE...



yeah. MY corinne. MY CORINNE is gone.

What the fuck. Are you kidding me? Are you seriously joking right now? PleaSE. Nope. My corinne has left me. Im hysterical. I cannot come to terms with it. What the fuck happened? No one is saying, and i can believe no one right now. I called mom right away, her shift was almost over. I had to go to her house...had to see my second mom and dad...

Pulled up to her beautiful house in plainfield. I lived there practically...it was a block away from mine but i cut thru the yards...it was right there. It used to be a salmon colored house...definitely stoof out. The house is beautiful though...her mom loves to garden and designs yards...shes so talented. Always covered with flowers and plants and the house is a victorion style which is now painted a different color....but its gorgeous...plants all in bloom....the backyard is beautiful too covered in mature trees....i spent so much time there. I was part of that family for so long....

We walk up and im shaking and im crying. My corinne. Her dad answers the door and just looks at me completley complacent but shaking. We just held each other and i balled and balled..just held him tight like i would do to my dad. Then mom came to the door and she lost it. I held her too. Couldnt say much of anything my body wouldnt let me. Oh my god her parents... i felt bad for being there but i knew it was ok to be there. Mom came with me. Not much was said...her mom left to go upstairs she couldnt handle being down there...and i sat with her dad on the same couches that have been there in the beautiful front room that was always breezy and shaded....i just hugged his arm and sat on the couch and cried there. Her dad was always comforting...i always liked him he was silly and loving. Her aunt dawn was there which i loved growing up..she was the cool aunt. Her and my mom were whisper talking. I heard my mom ask what happened and aunt dawn WOULD NOT say....

corinne...what happened??? God dammit what happened to you? YOU ARE A FUCKING BEAUTIFUL PERSON. TO THIS DAY WE WERE STILL FRIENDS.

God must have needed you...he needed your angelic existence. Im hoping to god that ione of the last things you heard me say to you was i love you. We go way back girl...

You were like the second person i met when i moved in....pretty much friends ever since then. So many sleepovers...staying up super late play Ready Set Spaghetti and playing with legos...whatever i had you had to have and when you got something i wanted it too! We were always up to something...traveling in the depths of your backyard through trees...playing in the creek...picking flowers. We were always swinging in my backyard and making movies and playing in my basement playing resturant...and the barbies...oh the barbies...

You had your dollhouse that i loved so mcuh that your grandpa built for you...we would drag trashbags of barbies to each others houses and go nuts...we had so much! We never got sick of them. I still have one of your ken dolls even. We grew up togther...found stuff out about life. Got bothered by chad all the time...always wanted to destroy our barbies lives with his gi joes...always just wanted to bother us. I remember the one time we were all in the basement and made up dances to songs. You had the trampoline too we always played on that and then you got a pool.. i didnt even come home for dinner half the time. We seriously spent whole summers doing things together. Went to school...so excited that finally in fifth grade we got to be in the same class! We experienced most of middle school togther...getting ready for dances with eyeshadow and glitter...listening to robyn and tlc. You didnt need makeup though...you were so pretty. The boys loved you! I was always jealous of how athletic you were...that was something i never had. You were so good at sports and you tried teaching me so many things that i never caught on too. I remember when i was diagnosed with diabetes and you made me a card with a frog on it...the reason i never went home for dinner is because i was never hungry and had high blood sugar...

Oh my god...remember the week that we played house all week in the fort in my backyard? I dragged out that plastic kitchen set and we had a whole house going...one time we covered the fort in plstic while there was a huge rainstorm and we stayed out there while it rained. You stuck up for me on the bus when the boys were being shitty...aLWAYS told me to never let people walk all over me. You introduced me to dinty moore beef stew :) I loved your family you loved mine...and minwe loved you. Even my dad...and thats soemthing because my dad only liked so many of my friends.

I hated to move away. It wasnt far but it was still too far. I had a birthday party the year after i moved in and only a couple people came and you were one of them. I never lost touch with you and when i could drive i still came over. I always kept track of you...i loved you. You were one of those friends i could trust and could do anything with. I didnt feel stupid around you.

Oh my god. I am so sorry this happened. And im sorry for you and right now i dont even know WHAT happened. When i find out it better not be because you wanted it to happen...it better not be because you were trying something. I know you. You liked extremes...and thats not bad but sometimes it wasnt good either.

There is a definite puncture wound in my heart. My eyes are bloodshot from crying, theres makeup all over my face. Cheeks are puffy red. I have the shakes. Im going to work in the morning to pick out beautiful flowers for you...you deserve the BEST. No jewel bouquets. Trying to locate the barbie box downstairs ill try to find you a good barbie to take with you. I found one but shes naked...maybe i can run by and fiund an outfit for her that resembles more something you would wear...

I hope you are up there listening right now...in fact i know you are. Say hi to dad for me...keep him company...ill try to keep your dad company down here. Crystal is coming tomarrow too...our trio...she feels horrible please forgive and forget whatever was going on.

I would give anything to hug you right now...

evaluation of this situation

Are all guys the same?

Or did i blow it before IT even started?

"Hello what the hell am I doin' here
That's a really nice suit
This is a really comfortable chair
See I don't know if you can help me or not
Cause I don't feel sick
But the pains in my head have almost put me
Underground
I don't really care if I'm healthy or not
Just clean my head up doc
I'll give you anything you want
See I don't know why I don't fall in love
Well maybe I know why and maybe you could make it stop
Then we'll cut it up and bury it and leave it
Underground
And I'll take to wishing and fall under
Sleeping safe and sound
Just give me medicine prescribe me anything
Just knock me out and walk me through the door
I have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore
Hello what the hell are you doing here
You made a really strange face
This is a really uncomfortable air
I see I'm boring you, maybe I bore myself too
That's why I need help, I'm cleaning blood off dusty shelves
I been cut up in this room so many times it might take days
And those stress cracks in the wood
How nicely the soak up the stains
Been telling myself these jokes for so long well so long
I'm a has been who is heckled on the stage"

rebirth

wow. what a day. a weird day...a day of enlightenment and realization. Im glad that i had brittany to help me because i feel today would of just been another one of my straigtening up days for my room where i basically just reorganize the same shit ive been holding on to for years and for what exactly? I hauled about 9 trash bags of things out of my room. Total crap. Things from my previous years that have no meaning to keep really...things that were nice at the moment but need to just not exist in my presence. And we talked about alot of things. Things that i dont feel i can talk about with much others...probably no one at all. I feel accomplished in so many ways...ways people know and ways i refuse to tell. But things are changing. And i like it i think.

I even got rid of "the notes" These notes were a really mean joke that got played on me in 7th grade. One day a crush i had wrote how he was asking me out and sorry he was so mean to me and that he kept it a secret that he liked me so long. When you are young like that a have a crush...yeah its real. I freaked. I didnt know what to do...but you now what? I was excited...and i was happy. It was a fairytale ok? MY fucking fairytale...
The next day on the bus i got another note...it said he had a girlfriend and laughed at me in the note. Told me how annoying i was. Told me how i couldnt get it through my head that he didnt like me. He told me he would never ever go out with me ever...

I kept these notes. They were hardly paper...they were soft from being everywhere with me. Why did i keep these two pieces of paper? For so many years? I even told Brittany how this was probably the first time i had been so embarrassed i wanted to die. I honestly did not care at that moment that i lived another day. I had felt utter true humiliation. But yet these pieces of paper still existed...why?

I have no clue.


I even debated on pitching them. Brittany did not stutter when she said throw them away.

I did it.

How much will i try to erase today?

I was supposed to start decluttering my room about 10:00 am. Typical ashley slept through my alarm then tried to put it off and then ended up telling brittany i dont think i could get out of bed. I seriously couldnt. I was so exhausted from god knows what that i didnt even hang up the phone call and already was asleep again. This is the stuff i have to overcome. Eventually i woke up, brushed my hair, ate something, and called her back because i cant do this anymore...yesterday i was so sick i couldnt stand upright and furthermore couldnt go to work. Couldnt drive there, couldnt even put an outfit togther and couldnt even see straight. I slept the whole day. WHOLE DAY. I just lacked any type of energy. I couldnt even make something to eat for myself.

Well...im up now. Its almost three in the afternoon but im up and ready to start on my room. Going to pick up Brittany momemtarily. I wanted to go out tonight with someone but im too late... hes busy already. Ugh, Ouch.

this was sophmore or junior year of highschool...cant really remember...all i do remember is thats a real smile

portfolio: the project

I need to put together a portfolio. I am the next big thing in flowers! Hah...not really... but i know im damn good at what i do and its getting to the point where i need to move on if i want to continue being serious about staying with this profession. Im glad that i didnt turn back around though...i say that meaning when i was getting started in all of this flower biz i felt like i just wasnt getting the knack of being a floral designer. Theres ALOT that comes with this title...i truly feel you cannot have this title if you cant live up to it! One of the first people i dealt with in the floral industry was Elaine Mueller of Delaines minooka florist and she CONSTANTLY said "You either have it....or you dont!" She was so right. Furthermore she always said she knew i had it. I wanted to just forget it many times. I couldnt make a bow right or green right or get placements right for anything. I know im artsy what the hell is wrong im thinking...

i guess i just kept ignoring it and working hard to get to the next level. I followed the same oath many of the most excellent designers had to follow though.

Im obsessed with anything flowers though. And i feel my thought process about floral design makes me the designer i am. I am NOT perfect...but ANY means...nor exact. And it just so happens flowers and plants are NOT perfect. I love it! I feel little quirks make the design that much better! I love botanical. I love earthy. I LOVE contrast...lights against darks...tucking in darks way in to make your lights POP. I love line...the way things curve naturally or the way you can manipulate your lines and make your eyes glide throughtout your piece. I love repetition where i can repeat elements in different ways and forms throughout my piece tying the whole thing togther. I love color...my god do i love color. I have to be my own fan when i say i can put togther colors like no other. I feel placing unexpected colors together is key to interest. Using color schemes...monobotanical arrangements, monochromatics. Opposites...ajacents...neuutrals... I believe black and white is just as interesting as anyhting else i can put together. Shock and drama...so opposite on the color scale but so well together. I love anything earth elements like twigs and leaves...pods...vines...roots...moss. I love shapes...curving the materials to make the piece flow all one way! Texture is big...fine textures against thick ones...softs and hards..shapely patterns and clean lines...dramatic outlines and forms. I feel like you cant plan design....you need to assess your situation and evaluate your materials at hand. I have to look around and see what i have to work weith and thats when i get my ideas. I cant plan them no way! Once i can catalog whats in the shop for the day i know what ive seen and can then piece togther what works togther. I put things together as naturally as my situation allows...if its imperfect its perfect to me!

This past year at my job now has really allowed me to mature my design. Letting me get my hands on pretty much anything this company makes available to me has allowed me to express all the things that dazzle me. I just love the feeling when someone stops and takes the time to study what ive made...when they actually let there eyes wander through a piece i make or simply just fall in love with the look. I love emotion. I am an emotional person. I just simply love happiness and love to make people happy with things i make. I feel my job is done when i bride can cry over her wedding flowers.

I need to capture what ive created...all together. It needs to be compiled! I have so many pictures on the laptop i need to get them all in one place and get them in print!


i love to just go nuts.





I am in love with bold and deep colors. Natural elements are my best friends


Shapes and textures!


This one takes your eyes for a ride. And a lot of elements and ideas are repeated. I love it...curvacious <3


completely crazy!

well...im tired and in need of a snack. My eating seems to be doing alright lately...but im pushing into the danger zone here of getting little to know sleep. Im not a hundred percent yet...and like brittany said no one is! But i see the results starting within me and that just transforms into motivation once i see progress.

I talked to nick tonight. I probably overwhlemed the converstation a little..i was just gabbing away. BUt the extremely excellent thing about him is he doesnt mind and lets me be me....

The epiphany

Brittany got online a little bit ago. A little bit before that my very good friend Jason stopped by. Jason and I only talked for about a half hour but something spectacular happened and i just cant believe the epiphany that arised from only a short period of talking about things we have been learning seperately on our own over a period of about 8 years.

Here is the conversation that took place on Facebook between Brittany and I. I had to copy and paste my online epiphany because i believe im finally breaking through:

Me
im finally ready to start being me again
like its an event or something
because for the first time in a while i feel like i can do this

8:54pmBrittany
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU!
I'm so glad girl
That seriously makes me smile ear to ear.
I'm happy for you

8:55pmMe
my mom told me she thinks i look so much better

8:55pmBrittany
so damn happy im sheading a tear

8:55pmMe
for her to just say that tio me without me asking her is something
im crying too actually
i have a long time i have to be on earth
i cant drag myself around
thank you for still being here with me

8:56pmBrittany
i love you
of course im here

8:57pmMe
i know i dont have to explain to you how many peo0ple have just left me

8:57pmBrittany
i know
but honestly think of all the people youve met in the past few years or even months you know?

8:57pmMe
i know
me and jason were just talking about that
like we both sorta talked about just how people from high school dont really matter except a select few and he told me to not worry that hes always going to be there for me and we bntoh talked
about how weve progressesd since highschool
getting caught up in whetre life strings us along and the people weve been meeting and our jobs and just life
learning from the miostakes weve made and just trying to be ok
everybodays got shit
its all different

8:59pmBrittany
thats so true
thats why i try not to judge everyone at first ebcause everyone acts a certain way for a reason

9:00pmMe
like stopping with your life is the worst thing
and dwelling on things and how bad they are, like keeping moving and just trying to learn and dela and move on is what i have to do

9:01pmBrittany
we all do

9:01pmMe
i have been through some shitty shit. but finally i know for a fact i have to get somewhere ive been stuck on the down for too long

9:02pmBrittany
you're going great places ashley
i dont know how you dont see it everyday at work

9:02pmMe
my dad would honestly not want me to be in a hole forever
im embracing everyday i can wake up now and live because of how good it is to have my family i have even though its just us three
...and especially this week at work has made me realize plenty

9:03pmBrittany
i love you three. I'm JEALOUS of you three. like i've said i cant even tell you how much inspiring you girls are to me.

Me
how ivebeen ina generally positive mood the whole week despite how catty it was and busy and stressful

9:04pmBrittany
thats good!
so so oso so good

9:05pmMe
ive thought about how i always want to blame other people for how i cant stand
my job sometimes
because im LETIING them

9:05pmBrittany
true that!

9:06pmMe
everyday this week instead of rushing out of there in a pissy mood at someone ior something ive stayed and helped clean up and made sure everyone had their stuff done and made sure i did all i could before i went home because it made me feel good
even like i told you at the beginning of the week how i dropped everything to help tim even though the shit he has to do sucks and i dont like it but i did it anyways because i knew i was more than capable of handling it

and i felt awesome for it and i could see it made a difference

and it makes me feel good because i think about if this was a couple months ago how difficult i made it seem to do extra thingsin my life because i thought i was so beyond help



9:08pmBrittany
no one is ever beyond help
im so glad to see you doing good

9:09pmMe
its not 100 percent yet but it took a big step within the past week

9:09pmBrittany
i can tell

9:09pmMe
i stopped myself a couple times because
i have that bipolar factor still...like my mood quickly changed from one extreme to another
i just all of a sudden get so empty and lonely again like a drop on a rollercoaster
i physically can feel my mind plummet and its overwhelming

9:10pmBrittany
you should meditate
i think it would really help


9:10pmMe
thats when i pace and have racing thoughts but then like i feel the medicine like try to pace myself and asess whats really going on

talking aloud or writing have really helped

9:12pmBrittany
yes!

9:12pmMe
writing lets me organize whats racing
thorugh my head and puts it in front of me so i can see how i need to filter it

9:12pmBrittany
writing is amazing

9:12pmMe
it declutters my mind
makes me realize it isnt THAT bad
and actually glorifies what i do have
quickly brings me to the realizxation that I AM AWSEOME
IM STRONG

IM UNIQUE

and IM HAPPY

9:14pmBrittany
:D
i love you

9:15pmMe
it like...slows me down in a sense where im not immediately looking to feel better
in the terms of drugs or drinking or
erratic behavior like shopping

like it was always...i feel shitty i need to cover it up
and it would make me feel better so i thought

9:16pmBrittany
thats a lot of peoples biggest problem

9:16pmMe
yeah it makes me feel better but really its fucking shit up more
because the feelings return...its still
there

9:16pmBrittany
for sure

9:16pmMe
sleeping all the time just leaves me tired still
shopping and buying shit i dont need means i have the shit but i still feel shitty anyways

9:17pmBrittany
exactly


9:19pmMe
i cant even believe myself right now because im actually assessing myself and helping myself like i could have the power to help another before but NOT myself


9:22pmBrittany
im so proud and happy for you
youre practically fucking enlightened

9:22pmMe
i can truthfully say i feel that way right now
im not 100 percent like i said

9:23pmBrittany
no one ever really is


9:23pmMe
but the way ive been the past week is definitely a new feeling i havent felt in a long long time
im trying not to mope
im not going to sit around and whine for people to hang out or come over or do shit

yeah its nice to know you have friends who want to company you.
but when im staying up all night for nights in a row just fucking praying to god any fucking soul invites me out or does something with me and im following people like the sad puppy dog ive been its so stupid
i can spend that time in route to better people who reciprocate

9:27pmBrittany
for sure
i just sit at home most nights honestly
i rarely do anything anymore

9:28pmMe
like i pulled out this alkaline trio cd that i used tio listen to in high school

from the status i put up as you can [prob tell

and it took me back to times where things were ok
they werent AWESOME
but they were OK
i hung out with people without hassle
we did things that werent destrusting to ourselves
enjoyed things like walks and movies and outings

*NATURE

9:29pmBrittany
love it

9:29pmMe
silly things that were funny SOBER

yeah you got in fights and arguments
and disagreements but you didnt bitch for hours and then reasses your whole life each time and plkummet so low you could pass out
and you didnt search for the quickest way out back then little by little fucking yourself even further
you got up in the morning
and you went to bed at night
and had the energy to do it again
i mean you didnt even have to think about it or argue with yourself if you are
going to eat today or even get up today

9:32pmBrittany
true that
i miss being a kid

9:32pmMe
you had shit to do, your homework your chores...you did them

9:32pmBrittany
not if your name is stephanie

LOL
Me
lmao

but i guess i mean like me you werent SCARED to do them

9:33pmBrittany
sorry for calling you at like 5 am the other night. i saw you texted adil and when i woke up and saw i just felt panicked for some reason
i was like is she ok?
was there a tornado!?

Me
you didnt stop in the middle of doing laundry and dishes to take a 6 hour nap

its totally fine

im copying this converstaion and im putting it in my blog

9:34pmBrittany
please do!

9:34pmMe
because im proud of the words coming
out of nmy m9outh

9:34pmBrittany
i cant even express how proud I am!
i loooove whne the people i know and love start realizing their potential in life and all of its relations... especially happiness

9:37pmMe
like i changed my hair color...its not a big deal
but i can tell by the way people looked at me
like they were just happy for me
alot of the things people said had to do with words like brighter

lighter

beautiful

like a couple guys i know...like they didnt say "oh damn thats sexy"
like i didnt feel like an object when i walked away

i felt like a person

9:39pmBrittany
i do love the hair!

9:40pmMe
like when people said something about it, most of them said things like how it just matched with my complexion...before my dark hair "didnt go with me well"

i guess im using my hair as a metaphor

9:40pmBrittany
i love it

i HATE to do this
but my dad is kicking me out of his room so he can sleep
i cant wait o get my laptop charger
call me tmrw
i love you!

9:40pmMe
ITS OK...YES I WILL AFTER I LEAVE WORK

I LOVE YOU TOO
SORRY FOR THE CAPS

lol
thank you

9:41pmBrittany
lol its ok

later


9:41pmMe
thank you for just being here
bye

9:41pmBrittany
i love you you are so very utterly welcome


9:44pmBrittany is offline.

alright...where have i been

I knew at some point i would start slacking at this writing business...but on the other hand i dont want it to be scheduled either. But that just shows how much this IS my blog because of my half-assedness which i HATE about myself and my procrastinating problem. UGH. I dont remember always being on the middle or bottom of things...

I remember being younger and so damn ORGANIZED and NEAT....and SMART. I dont know what or who to blame for it all going wrong in 8th grade. Well we moved for one...and i remember that the planifield school system was one step behind where channahon schools were studying. It was hard to adjust. Its hard to adjust at that age when you are becoming a yound adult and EVERYTHING MATTERS.

I look back so often now and think of all the things ive been insecure about...some things which i still am. Im always nit-picking at myself...always wondering how i appear to others...what they are thinking. I know that if i ever have a chance to choose a secret power its definitely going to be the power to read minds.

I feel i might be obsessed with it. Always struggling to know if im 100 percent to that person. And i also feel this isnt my fault. People constantly tell me not to take things to seriously and to not care what this person thinks of me. But i do...

...and here i am thanking my dad again for that. He constantly told me the things i wasnt doing right. Always. I had to beg for his approval all the fucking time. I walked around him always thinking that im doing something wrong...actually i started to not even think it i just knew whatever i was doing was just the wrong thing in front of him. My feel hurt so bad from walking on eggshells. I had to constantly hide my true self and things other people were doing that were normal...things i couldnt do.

I remember always having to be shut in for the stupidest shit. I feel my head was so fucked growing up and other people started to say things to me...coulndt understand why i could do the simplest of things. My dad put his life on the line to keep blinders on me and keep things sugar-coated but as i got older it was always complaining i had to hear...negetive things about everything and everyone. I dreaded being alone with him because i hated how he used to talk about the world. He hated it. It was so bad that i made it the boldest point when things went well between me and him...effective conversations where he would actually explain things and explian them calmly...conversations that went somewhere and stuck with me. These times were so far and few between i dont even think both hands could be used on counting them.

All i wanted to do was love my dad. He was so interesting. I just wanted to be as close as i could to him. Little did i know he was so sick. God damn him for that. God damn him for hiding it. and the biggest god damn of all was him leaving me wiuthout the decency to tell me why.

I know he was a good person. I feel like him being an addict was not his fault. and that furters my thoughts into how much i fucking hate his whole fucking family. They fucked him up into always wanting to be fucked up which let to fucking up his life which led into fucking up my mothers AND mine and nikkis.

Fuck. Yeah im looking too into the past as always. Being too emotional as always. BEING TOO DRAMATIC AS ALWAYS. People shout this at me like im doing it on purpose. Like i want to be like this. And i am just thinking about how i really dont fucking care anymore. Dont listen to me? Dont read my business. If you have a problem with what you chose to read dont fucjking comment on it...disregard it and move on. I dont see myself inviting people to read this. Or any of my thoughts anywhere at anytime. I walk around confused because half the people are trying to tell me to shut up but the other half who know me know i keep so much inside and encourage me to let it out. This ratio always has me thinking though which brings me back to why i would love to read peoples minds. I know and have known too many deceitful people. A lot of the people ive know have disgusted me. They go through long periods of time being a false friend that i end up confiding in and trying to be able to trust and eventually they break and say what they really think or end up saying what the truely feel about me to someone else who passes this information along to me. How, i think, can someone just honestly disregard any of that? I seriously feel unsettled around alot of people because i feel i reall just dont know anyone. And it makes me sick. and sad. and upset. and i obsess over it. This is a big part of why its hard for me to sleep. I constantly analyze my interactions for the day with people and events and just notice how fake it was or how things werent exactly right. Im so overobservant and very detective about things that just arent right....i dont know where to begin to cure this because its not just something i can just stop being like. Ive been trained for too many years to be cautious...and part of me wants to just begin to not see it and the other part feels like i still should stand my ground.

More and more often i know that people are being shitty to me or things just arent what they seem and ive been hiding that i know. Im such a lonely person honestly. AND I HATE IT.

I wasnt lonely today though. It was a day off for me. And it was fantastic. Surpringsly when i worked yesterday it was busy as hell and many problems arose but my overall mood was swell. I had energy and an upbeat attitude the whole day. Amazing! i was proud of myself!

Today was so good. The sun was out...it was warm... i was relaxed! And happy! I got my first snocone of the year at the Tropical Sno by bill's house. Omg i could not have been more excited...especially being able to spend most of my day with Nick <3. This is someone in my life right now that i believe understands me. hes not selfish or a fucking moron or has a crazy addiction to anything. Hes real. He gets it. This point in my life i couldnt be more thankful for him. And i dont feel weird or uncomfortable around him...i can be myself...which alot lately has been slightly askew but he doesnt seem to mind. Today was just fabulous....and we are two for two now...lets make it seven for seven.

how do i turn off the repeat button?

Well...here i am...4:07 am... wired...not tired. Traffic is heavy in my head.

Didnt have such a productive day. The absense of sunshine and the rain made it difficult to stay awake. I wanted to get a bunch of stuff done in my room...but it never happened. Maybe sunday. Hopefully it sucks outside on sunday so i can accomplish what i want to.

Its also weighing on me that THREE YEARS AGO TODAY was the LAST day i would ever see Dad alive. Oh my god. I hate thinking about it. BUt its true. I am more than ever thankful the last words he heard from me were "I love you" and i hope he thought about that the next day. Im dying to think that. I am in so much pain. I am. I hurt. The strength to get through this is within me though,,,its like searching for the holy grail though. Ugh. And you know...i would love it if every once and a while ONE of the few friends i have would try to take me out and try to get me to lighten up a bit. God dammit. It didnt know it was that hard to cheer up a friend. I always seem to be there to make someone smile or listen when needed. Fucking sucks to realize i just dont have friends that are anything like me in that aspect. If i do...speak up you know?...

I think about that every day now too...where are some people that would bend over backwards for me every now and then? It upsets me. I would give so much for that. I know im a pretty good friend and person. Right? I KNOW i am. TOO good sometimes..

Well i guess this is me realizing to stop being the fucking doormat. Until someone out there starts metting me halfway i REALLY need to just keep to myself...be selfish...focus on ME! I need to be here for a while as far as i know so why not work on myself?

I left the other day from home and didnt put my seatbelt on until i was halfway to my destination. I wanted something to happen to me i think. Then i thought of my mom and nikki. I clicked the seatbelt in.

Wasting my days

Today i could of accomplished alot but...surprise surprise..i slept most of my day away. Probably making up for those three days in a row i stayed up? Sucks. I dont choose to do things like that. I just cant overcome the sleepyness yet. Had a dream regarding the shitty move my friend made the other day which is STILL eating at me...the dream was really humourous though. Yesterday was basically the same story...didnt accomplish much...got up at 1 in the afternoon and it was gorgeous out. But the power of how tired i was took over and ruined my day. I actually need to lay down now before i start this wrist corsage for a friend...should of did it yesterday. Ugh.

One friend owes me a sum of money that was supposed to be paid in March. Its seriously eating away at me. Im going to have to start going into bitch overload by next week and starting with text blackmail...he does not want me to do this. Just sayin'.

i knew it

I knew i would be back at least once before i attempt sleep. Here i am...5:03 am...on my day off mind you. Of course checking my facebook for god knows what i dont know. Ive gravitated up into my bedroom...
...and what a clusterfuck it is in here. Ugh. Hopefully im up around 10 without any lag because id like to get SOMETHING accomplished today. This is a real problem for me...to finish things. I am a die hard procrastinator at that too...and i really hate myself for it. I have jewelery that ive been untangling for months on my vanity and and closet that needs emptying of the unused. Drawers full of random clutter that are dying to be sifted through. Pieces of me everywhere. I am reflected through "things". Im surrounded by them in here...and this may be a lethal problem. Boy do i have a lot of "things". Things are items...stuff of physical substance that have weight and shape and texture. I just collect a lot? Maybe. Im not stupid with myself though. I believe a lot of these things have been pathetic attempts to make myself feel better...

...and theres a lot of things in here...


...so why am i STILL empty?

Ugh. I am so much like my dad. Sometimes just way too much. Tonight i was in the basement again...yet another clusterfuck in the house. Mounds of things are in the basement...my dads "things" ...HOARDS of things...NUMBERS of things...collections, multiples of things. Things that Dad bought to make HIM happy. He is all over tha basement reflected throughtout it. Oh my fucking god i miss him. As im down there i see his struggle. People on the outside go down there and see just a lot of stuff. I see my dads world. His sickness. His temporary happiness. He tried. He fucking tried i know he did. The value of having him be here with me again is absolutely fucking priceless.

This writing thing is working.

I can analyze shit. I see my tangled web of worries in straight, readable lines now. Im praying this works.

Well now ive really established i have to get this room in order.Ive been AWARE it needs to happen but im struggling with alot. I TRY to come up here and start to do something but my mind wanders too fucking quickly. I think well maybe a friend could help me?..... Yeah. Friend. What friends? This has been a touchy subject lately. Man. I would give anything to have that best friend thing again. Just one solid concrete rock of a person you know? I know that i do know a lot of good people...do not get me wrong. Lately i have just felt so god damn alone. SOOOOO god damn alone. And as much as i try not to appear desperate for someone...ANYONE to be around...its not fooling anyone. And i even come out and admit to it more and more frequently when i do have the chance to hang around another person for a short while lately. And i also think lately...the phone really does work two ways. If they really give a good fuck to call me they will. Needless to say my phone has been pretty quiet.

...and maybe i dont blame some people. I have had some negetive things to say lately. But can you honestly blame me? Especially for the date i never want to come. It haunts me. I see it everywhere...all year around everywhere...everywhere i look i swear April 26th is the day thats sticking its middle finger in my face. The date the ultimately shattered me. Thats the last game of ultimate-blows-to-the-face poker i wanna play jesus...ive lied my cards on the table. Fold.

I trailed off...oh yes...this room. Things need to go. I am truly a packrat. Thanks Dad. I cant throw anything away...I save so much. And its weighing me down. I need to subtract, not add as mom says...and ive been doing good. Not taking every piece of something savable home with me. Curbing my spending...and this is hard because of being bipolar. Shopping binges are vicious...and will be the death of me. Because looking as this room i should think im the happiest little woman in the universe...so why do i feel like collasping at my seams? Duh Ash...these methods are not the answer. Obviously. But i know that ive always been collecting things and aquiring neat objects. Its not a bad thing to a certain extent...it makes me the quirky and awesome person I KNOW i am. But i just look at some of the things i have and know why they are sitting in my room right now...and they have provided me with that desired emotion.

Oh what am i going to do? How am i going to do this? So much needs to be done. I need an answer...and i need to quit looking for it. Its been sitting in the same place the whole time...its inside me. Look at that. That was easy...

maybe because ive organized and actually read back to myself whats really going on?
:)

Finally i feel a little tired. Its early morning...my window is cracked and i hear birds. I love the birds. Just ate one of my "foods of the month"....wheat toast with butter and strawberry jam. The "foods of the month" change...just a term i use for one of my eating trends where ill eat a couple certain foods for about a month then phase them out until i find something else i wanna eat for days in a row. Hopefully ill get a little solid sleeping in...and my goal for today is to be up by about ten... i need to accomplish going to walmart to do a bit of grocery shopping and return a tank top while im there. I was going to just exchange for a larger size but im sitting here and thinking "i really dont need it" Good job Ash.

Clearing my head a little more...work was ok today. Kept to myself...one of those days i felt unconnected mentally with my body physically. It was a roll out of bed no makeup day. Also forgot to set my alarm an hour earlier because i offered to come in earlier to help today because of secretaries day. Yeah...i felt bad about that. Tardiness is something that also needs to be eliminated from my daily existance...and im trying. I try hard too and how fucking frustrated it is for me when i keep screwing up....

Started my day ok when i arrived...had to make multiple fruitbaskets which i dislike. They are just such a pain in the ass. Ended up locking the only key we have to all the gourmet cabinents in one of the cabinents but with a team effort of Laura at work holding one of the doors open i managed to stick my hand in there and retreive the key. I wish our problems as people were as easy to solve with one simple item like a key. In a few ways i guess they are. But fuck...they are sure hard fucking keys to find. Got to make what we call a standing order at work...my favorites...big beautiful arrangments that get sent to businesses to be viewed all week. This was an account Tessla Motors..





I love doing flowers. Ugh. Obsessed. The first photo is their 50 dollar piece and the lower two is their 25 dollar piece they get every week.

Went home in a frazzled mood and slept. It was pretty breezy today or i would of broken out the hammock. Nifty item that is.

Its almost six in the morning. I can get a solid 4 hours of sleep in...hopefully my body doesnt want to keep sleeping.

xxoxoxoxoxo ash

Let's see if this is going to work...

Well. Here i am. Back to writing...every day? Every hour? Every week? Never again? Who knows...im searching for stability right now. Thats the word of the day. Stability. I search for it constantly. Oh...and Im Ashley. Ashley Burns. And this is my blog. I hate that word. I havent written religiously in something since i was 17....oh how i miss my xanga....

Its 2:49 am and im starting a blog? Well...its not like im going to lie down and sleep right? I can never sleep sometimes...sometimes days in a row...and then sometimes ill sleep all damn day...youd have to poke me with a stun gun to get me up. This week ive had a day where i slept until 5 in the afternoon...then i stayed up for three days in a row basically. Well...maybe id get some shut eye if i could stop thinking so much. And this is what im trying to serve the purpose for.

If only everyone knew all the thoughts racing through my mind everyday they might be sick. Or intrigued? My mind is so full...its hard to maintain at times and other times i think i ignore it which are the times i believe my bipolarness is on the "up"....which is when im not thinking hardly at all.

I feel i have not been a normal human being since i was 16. I feel i wasnt a normal 16 year old for long. In fact only for a couple months. I feel my "wrong place at the wrong time" presence in a car accident spiraled my loss of normality and stability out of control from that July afternoon on. And in all actuality i feel i was doomed from the beginning in which i have been learning about for the past three years....

Im sure if you know Ashley Burns you know what happened to her. Yeah. And you know what i repeatedly apoligize to people from bringing it up in my everyday interactions but you know what? ITS WHATS GOING ON IN MY LIFE. THIS IS MY REALITY. THIS IS MY LIFE...MY PRESENT TENSE. This is another purpose i am going to strive for this blog to accomplish which is trying not to overwhelm those around me. Deep down i feel that isnt even my responsibility considering the situation...but i have been absolutely BLOWN the FUCK away the past few years learning about humans and friends and most of all FAMILY. Man...i would give an arm or a leg to have known what absolutely skullfucked human beings i have in my bloodline. Sorry... back to the point of this paragraph....

I MISS MY DAD. HOW MUCH LOUDER DO I HAVE TO SCREAM.

Im a broken record but you know what? YOU try taking one of the most important and loved people in your life...having them vanish and have them never to return ever. Go from thinking your life is without retooling at the moment then the next your father never returned home last night. Try it. I dare you. See how put togther you are after something like this...

Ha. Yet another purpose this blog can serve...helping me overcome this .00001 percent everyday for a while. My head is not that big. And neither is my body. I cannot keep as much shit compiled inside myself on a daily basis. I need to pour it out more often than i can see my wonderful therepist....

And that sort of brings me to a summary of my past month...i am OVER EXCITED to have my therepist back on my health insurance. WIN. He was taken away from me as fast as me blinking...i have never been able to truly trust anyone like him until his recent return into my life about a month ago. 2010...things are going to change for me. Im dying for them to or they will just about kill me. But after everything i say BRING IT.

DEATH...I AM SIMPLY NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE.

Im just not. Take me please. Whether it be a freak accident or a sudden virus that eats me away. A heart attack, a car accident....im ready. Dad my soul is ready to meet yours again. YOU LEFT ME HERE.....

These past three years have been just remarkable...and im not using that term in such a fantastic way. Ive learned so much. I beat myself up almost every day knowing it took my father to pass away to piece togther everything i never understood about my life. Why some things just simply didnt make sense at all. It pains me almost everyday as well to think of things i missed, things i should have noticed, and just thinking how much i struggle to reach that stability back in my life. Well...we will see. Im aware of my surroundings, my capabilities, where my relationships stand, and also just trying to mold myself into the completed, connected adult i should have every right to live as. Everyday im desperately trying to rise out of the ashes and become a phoenix....

Its not so easy. Not easy at all. Not when you are me. If only you could put yourself into my worn out Target zebra flats for one day, i wonder just how you would feel. And likewise...i woudl give my life to know what it feels like to put myself into someone elses shoes with day to day stability. Im not looking for perfection here. And thats why i love flowers. They arent perfect. Imperfection is perfection in my opinion. But im not even imperfect at this point. Im a god damn catastrophe inching my way through this mission we all have...overfocusing on the .0001 percent progress i may make and stalling once again. Im one of those 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles with groups of pieces put togther in different parts of the room...but no where near even a quarter of the way finish.

Help. I realize most of this will HAVE to come from within myself. HAVE TO. Im not happy about it but i certainly believ it 100 percent. Ever since DAD people who i NEVER thought would desert me in my life have vanished. I am completely dumbfounded by this. Ive also shunned my dads side of the family from my life. Floored i was when i learned everything i did about those disgusting beings. And a side note...i dont include a select few from that side of the family in that description but about 98 percent of them. This can all be explained later.

...but back to help...im going to be 24 years old in may. Yeah...Ash...you ARE an adult. I almost laugh and cry at the same time when i think about the thousand people who fed me the line of bullshit of "being there for me" when this all happened. People like my ex Billy who awkwardly connected with my father somewhat while we were dating, came to my father's wake, told me if i needed anything to call him but has had no contact with me and has deleted me off facebook because his buddy Matt told me i walk around trying to make people feel sorry for me over this and i know that Billy shares many of the same opinions as him. Im not stupid. I remember how Billy is. What a slap in the face. Or like my friend Jessica who i basically have been friends with since i moved to Channahon in 1999...inseperable for years...best friends...sleepovers hanging out...summers togther and all...actually blocking me from any contact with her because i was not present for her first prenancy...claiming i was not "there for her enough". During this time were the last months my father was alive and living and breathing in front of me. His last months were not pleasant ones...i could sense the winds of chnage. It was amminent in my house. The vibes were, negetive, hostile, uncomfortable...to the edge. i even recall telling my therepist that things were at a hostile point in my house. I wasnt allowed to go many place or do many things because of my dads terrible moods and anger. And this is the time Jessica needed me to be there for her pregnancy...i believe the phone works both ways too... I get extremely upset when i think about this situation but you know what...good for her. Good for fucking Jessica. Why would she have to worry about me? She has everything...she has a father of flesh and blood on this earth that she can hug, and touch, and talk to.

The things i would do for stability. THE THINGS. BUT...im working on it. Im going to do it in 2010. From 16 on i have been on a beaten path. I think about that exact day where i believe my downward spiral begun....too much. I remember it all. And im the ONLY one who knows what happened throughout the whole accident. That day is when i fell to ashes....ashley to ashes...dust to dust. But Dad lit me on fire years before that but i would of never known.

I like this writing business actually. Hah...but this is only my first post. I start things and sometimes dont ever finish them...or maintain them. I do hate myself for that of course. But like ive been saying...enough is enough. Im hoping there will be very few and between posts after midnight because ill be trying to strive for stability...schedule...normaility...tranquility...peace. I WILL BE THE PHOENIX. I WANT TO BE THE PHOENIX. FUCKIN DAMMIT.

I wonder how many of you will actually get to the bottom of this post. No...you dont get a cookie OR a bozo button. This blog is mine. My journal...my outlet...the therepist away from the therepist. I dont give a shit about puncuation or spelling. Or content. This is where i will unload. And im making it totally public although i will STILL take some of the things in my head to the grave. I feel there are many many many misconceptions about Miss Ashley D. Burns the first and thats a really big stressor for me. I feel like im going fucking nuts to be honest when someone has the wrong idea about me. Or doesnt understand me. Or doesnt really know me. Honestly..though...its ok if you dont like me i cant make you. At least UNDERSTAND me and the TRUTH about me and whats going on with me. Level with me. And i believe one of the biggest misconceptions about me is i dont look for sympathy. I dont need it...you choose to sympathize. What i almost beg for though is just a clear understanding of myself.

So we will see. Im hypothesizing...this will serve as an excellent therepy for me. And no one is making you read this...you can choose to or just never return to this. I think im going to like it. Im going to try to add this to my daily existance...haha...i say existance because a routine does not exist yet in my life. I actually feel better now. Thoughts run back and forth through my head all day and a lot of the time they never leave my head...i feel overwhelmed 98 percent of the time...maybe writing will even make my problems not seem so sticky anymore once ive layed them out into visable sentences in front of me. Wouldnt that be nice for myself...sunnier mornings...energy boosts for my day...greener grass...easier air to breathe....

Ive been bogged down for too long. Missed out on some of the better things in life. because im just but a shell of a girl sometimes....trying to simply stay awake and breathe right some days....

Here we go.

xoxoxoxo ash