Thursday, April 22, 2010

i knew it

I knew i would be back at least once before i attempt sleep. Here i am...5:03 am...on my day off mind you. Of course checking my facebook for god knows what i dont know. Ive gravitated up into my bedroom...
...and what a clusterfuck it is in here. Ugh. Hopefully im up around 10 without any lag because id like to get SOMETHING accomplished today. This is a real problem for me...to finish things. I am a die hard procrastinator at that too...and i really hate myself for it. I have jewelery that ive been untangling for months on my vanity and and closet that needs emptying of the unused. Drawers full of random clutter that are dying to be sifted through. Pieces of me everywhere. I am reflected through "things". Im surrounded by them in here...and this may be a lethal problem. Boy do i have a lot of "things". Things are items...stuff of physical substance that have weight and shape and texture. I just collect a lot? Maybe. Im not stupid with myself though. I believe a lot of these things have been pathetic attempts to make myself feel better...

...and theres a lot of things in here...


...so why am i STILL empty?

Ugh. I am so much like my dad. Sometimes just way too much. Tonight i was in the basement again...yet another clusterfuck in the house. Mounds of things are in the basement...my dads "things" ...HOARDS of things...NUMBERS of things...collections, multiples of things. Things that Dad bought to make HIM happy. He is all over tha basement reflected throughtout it. Oh my fucking god i miss him. As im down there i see his struggle. People on the outside go down there and see just a lot of stuff. I see my dads world. His sickness. His temporary happiness. He tried. He fucking tried i know he did. The value of having him be here with me again is absolutely fucking priceless.

This writing thing is working.

I can analyze shit. I see my tangled web of worries in straight, readable lines now. Im praying this works.

Well now ive really established i have to get this room in order.Ive been AWARE it needs to happen but im struggling with alot. I TRY to come up here and start to do something but my mind wanders too fucking quickly. I think well maybe a friend could help me?..... Yeah. Friend. What friends? This has been a touchy subject lately. Man. I would give anything to have that best friend thing again. Just one solid concrete rock of a person you know? I know that i do know a lot of good people...do not get me wrong. Lately i have just felt so god damn alone. SOOOOO god damn alone. And as much as i try not to appear desperate for someone...ANYONE to be around...its not fooling anyone. And i even come out and admit to it more and more frequently when i do have the chance to hang around another person for a short while lately. And i also think lately...the phone really does work two ways. If they really give a good fuck to call me they will. Needless to say my phone has been pretty quiet.

...and maybe i dont blame some people. I have had some negetive things to say lately. But can you honestly blame me? Especially for the date i never want to come. It haunts me. I see it everywhere...all year around everywhere...everywhere i look i swear April 26th is the day thats sticking its middle finger in my face. The date the ultimately shattered me. Thats the last game of ultimate-blows-to-the-face poker i wanna play jesus...ive lied my cards on the table. Fold.

I trailed off...oh yes...this room. Things need to go. I am truly a packrat. Thanks Dad. I cant throw anything away...I save so much. And its weighing me down. I need to subtract, not add as mom says...and ive been doing good. Not taking every piece of something savable home with me. Curbing my spending...and this is hard because of being bipolar. Shopping binges are vicious...and will be the death of me. Because looking as this room i should think im the happiest little woman in the universe...so why do i feel like collasping at my seams? Duh Ash...these methods are not the answer. Obviously. But i know that ive always been collecting things and aquiring neat objects. Its not a bad thing to a certain extent...it makes me the quirky and awesome person I KNOW i am. But i just look at some of the things i have and know why they are sitting in my room right now...and they have provided me with that desired emotion.

Oh what am i going to do? How am i going to do this? So much needs to be done. I need an answer...and i need to quit looking for it. Its been sitting in the same place the whole time...its inside me. Look at that. That was easy...

maybe because ive organized and actually read back to myself whats really going on?
:)

Finally i feel a little tired. Its early morning...my window is cracked and i hear birds. I love the birds. Just ate one of my "foods of the month"....wheat toast with butter and strawberry jam. The "foods of the month" change...just a term i use for one of my eating trends where ill eat a couple certain foods for about a month then phase them out until i find something else i wanna eat for days in a row. Hopefully ill get a little solid sleeping in...and my goal for today is to be up by about ten... i need to accomplish going to walmart to do a bit of grocery shopping and return a tank top while im there. I was going to just exchange for a larger size but im sitting here and thinking "i really dont need it" Good job Ash.

Clearing my head a little more...work was ok today. Kept to myself...one of those days i felt unconnected mentally with my body physically. It was a roll out of bed no makeup day. Also forgot to set my alarm an hour earlier because i offered to come in earlier to help today because of secretaries day. Yeah...i felt bad about that. Tardiness is something that also needs to be eliminated from my daily existance...and im trying. I try hard too and how fucking frustrated it is for me when i keep screwing up....

Started my day ok when i arrived...had to make multiple fruitbaskets which i dislike. They are just such a pain in the ass. Ended up locking the only key we have to all the gourmet cabinents in one of the cabinents but with a team effort of Laura at work holding one of the doors open i managed to stick my hand in there and retreive the key. I wish our problems as people were as easy to solve with one simple item like a key. In a few ways i guess they are. But fuck...they are sure hard fucking keys to find. Got to make what we call a standing order at work...my favorites...big beautiful arrangments that get sent to businesses to be viewed all week. This was an account Tessla Motors..





I love doing flowers. Ugh. Obsessed. The first photo is their 50 dollar piece and the lower two is their 25 dollar piece they get every week.

Went home in a frazzled mood and slept. It was pretty breezy today or i would of broken out the hammock. Nifty item that is.

Its almost six in the morning. I can get a solid 4 hours of sleep in...hopefully my body doesnt want to keep sleeping.

xxoxoxoxoxo ash

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