Well. Here i am. Back to writing...every day? Every hour? Every week? Never again? Who knows...im searching for stability right now. Thats the word of the day. Stability. I search for it constantly. Oh...and Im Ashley. Ashley Burns. And this is my blog. I hate that word. I havent written religiously in something since i was 17....oh how i miss my xanga....
Its 2:49 am and im starting a blog? Well...its not like im going to lie down and sleep right? I can never sleep sometimes...sometimes days in a row...and then sometimes ill sleep all damn day...youd have to poke me with a stun gun to get me up. This week ive had a day where i slept until 5 in the afternoon...then i stayed up for three days in a row basically. Well...maybe id get some shut eye if i could stop thinking so much. And this is what im trying to serve the purpose for.
If only everyone knew all the thoughts racing through my mind everyday they might be sick. Or intrigued? My mind is so full...its hard to maintain at times and other times i think i ignore it which are the times i believe my bipolarness is on the "up"....which is when im not thinking hardly at all.
I feel i have not been a normal human being since i was 16. I feel i wasnt a normal 16 year old for long. In fact only for a couple months. I feel my "wrong place at the wrong time" presence in a car accident spiraled my loss of normality and stability out of control from that July afternoon on. And in all actuality i feel i was doomed from the beginning in which i have been learning about for the past three years....
Im sure if you know Ashley Burns you know what happened to her. Yeah. And you know what i repeatedly apoligize to people from bringing it up in my everyday interactions but you know what? ITS WHATS GOING ON IN MY LIFE. THIS IS MY REALITY. THIS IS MY LIFE...MY PRESENT TENSE. This is another purpose i am going to strive for this blog to accomplish which is trying not to overwhelm those around me. Deep down i feel that isnt even my responsibility considering the situation...but i have been absolutely BLOWN the FUCK away the past few years learning about humans and friends and most of all FAMILY. Man...i would give an arm or a leg to have known what absolutely skullfucked human beings i have in my bloodline. Sorry... back to the point of this paragraph....
I MISS MY DAD. HOW MUCH LOUDER DO I HAVE TO SCREAM.
Im a broken record but you know what? YOU try taking one of the most important and loved people in your life...having them vanish and have them never to return ever. Go from thinking your life is without retooling at the moment then the next your father never returned home last night. Try it. I dare you. See how put togther you are after something like this...
Ha. Yet another purpose this blog can serve...helping me overcome this .00001 percent everyday for a while. My head is not that big. And neither is my body. I cannot keep as much shit compiled inside myself on a daily basis. I need to pour it out more often than i can see my wonderful therepist....
And that sort of brings me to a summary of my past month...i am OVER EXCITED to have my therepist back on my health insurance. WIN. He was taken away from me as fast as me blinking...i have never been able to truly trust anyone like him until his recent return into my life about a month ago. 2010...things are going to change for me. Im dying for them to or they will just about kill me. But after everything i say BRING IT.
DEATH...I AM SIMPLY NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE.
Im just not. Take me please. Whether it be a freak accident or a sudden virus that eats me away. A heart attack, a car accident....im ready. Dad my soul is ready to meet yours again. YOU LEFT ME HERE.....
These past three years have been just remarkable...and im not using that term in such a fantastic way. Ive learned so much. I beat myself up almost every day knowing it took my father to pass away to piece togther everything i never understood about my life. Why some things just simply didnt make sense at all. It pains me almost everyday as well to think of things i missed, things i should have noticed, and just thinking how much i struggle to reach that stability back in my life. Well...we will see. Im aware of my surroundings, my capabilities, where my relationships stand, and also just trying to mold myself into the completed, connected adult i should have every right to live as. Everyday im desperately trying to rise out of the ashes and become a phoenix....
Its not so easy. Not easy at all. Not when you are me. If only you could put yourself into my worn out Target zebra flats for one day, i wonder just how you would feel. And likewise...i woudl give my life to know what it feels like to put myself into someone elses shoes with day to day stability. Im not looking for perfection here. And thats why i love flowers. They arent perfect. Imperfection is perfection in my opinion. But im not even imperfect at this point. Im a god damn catastrophe inching my way through this mission we all have...overfocusing on the .0001 percent progress i may make and stalling once again. Im one of those 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles with groups of pieces put togther in different parts of the room...but no where near even a quarter of the way finish.
Help. I realize most of this will HAVE to come from within myself. HAVE TO. Im not happy about it but i certainly believ it 100 percent. Ever since DAD people who i NEVER thought would desert me in my life have vanished. I am completely dumbfounded by this. Ive also shunned my dads side of the family from my life. Floored i was when i learned everything i did about those disgusting beings. And a side note...i dont include a select few from that side of the family in that description but about 98 percent of them. This can all be explained later.
...but back to help...im going to be 24 years old in may. Yeah...Ash...you ARE an adult. I almost laugh and cry at the same time when i think about the thousand people who fed me the line of bullshit of "being there for me" when this all happened. People like my ex Billy who awkwardly connected with my father somewhat while we were dating, came to my father's wake, told me if i needed anything to call him but has had no contact with me and has deleted me off facebook because his buddy Matt told me i walk around trying to make people feel sorry for me over this and i know that Billy shares many of the same opinions as him. Im not stupid. I remember how Billy is. What a slap in the face. Or like my friend Jessica who i basically have been friends with since i moved to Channahon in 1999...inseperable for years...best friends...sleepovers hanging out...summers togther and all...actually blocking me from any contact with her because i was not present for her first prenancy...claiming i was not "there for her enough". During this time were the last months my father was alive and living and breathing in front of me. His last months were not pleasant ones...i could sense the winds of chnage. It was amminent in my house. The vibes were, negetive, hostile, uncomfortable...to the edge. i even recall telling my therepist that things were at a hostile point in my house. I wasnt allowed to go many place or do many things because of my dads terrible moods and anger. And this is the time Jessica needed me to be there for her pregnancy...i believe the phone works both ways too... I get extremely upset when i think about this situation but you know what...good for her. Good for fucking Jessica. Why would she have to worry about me? She has everything...she has a father of flesh and blood on this earth that she can hug, and touch, and talk to.
The things i would do for stability. THE THINGS. BUT...im working on it. Im going to do it in 2010. From 16 on i have been on a beaten path. I think about that exact day where i believe my downward spiral begun....too much. I remember it all. And im the ONLY one who knows what happened throughout the whole accident. That day is when i fell to ashes....ashley to ashes...dust to dust. But Dad lit me on fire years before that but i would of never known.
I like this writing business actually. Hah...but this is only my first post. I start things and sometimes dont ever finish them...or maintain them. I do hate myself for that of course. But like ive been saying...enough is enough. Im hoping there will be very few and between posts after midnight because ill be trying to strive for stability...schedule...normaility...tranquility...peace. I WILL BE THE PHOENIX. I WANT TO BE THE PHOENIX. FUCKIN DAMMIT.
I wonder how many of you will actually get to the bottom of this post. No...you dont get a cookie OR a bozo button. This blog is mine. My journal...my outlet...the therepist away from the therepist. I dont give a shit about puncuation or spelling. Or content. This is where i will unload. And im making it totally public although i will STILL take some of the things in my head to the grave. I feel there are many many many misconceptions about Miss Ashley D. Burns the first and thats a really big stressor for me. I feel like im going fucking nuts to be honest when someone has the wrong idea about me. Or doesnt understand me. Or doesnt really know me. Honestly..though...its ok if you dont like me i cant make you. At least UNDERSTAND me and the TRUTH about me and whats going on with me. Level with me. And i believe one of the biggest misconceptions about me is i dont look for sympathy. I dont need it...you choose to sympathize. What i almost beg for though is just a clear understanding of myself.
So we will see. Im hypothesizing...this will serve as an excellent therepy for me. And no one is making you read this...you can choose to or just never return to this. I think im going to like it. Im going to try to add this to my daily existance...haha...i say existance because a routine does not exist yet in my life. I actually feel better now. Thoughts run back and forth through my head all day and a lot of the time they never leave my head...i feel overwhelmed 98 percent of the time...maybe writing will even make my problems not seem so sticky anymore once ive layed them out into visable sentences in front of me. Wouldnt that be nice for myself...sunnier mornings...energy boosts for my day...greener grass...easier air to breathe....
Ive been bogged down for too long. Missed out on some of the better things in life. because im just but a shell of a girl sometimes....trying to simply stay awake and breathe right some days....
Here we go.
xoxoxoxo ash
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I tried ash, I honestly tried. I wish you would have let me in. Things would be much different now I promise you that. I'm 28 years old now and I still think about you often. I think about our adventures as kids, I think about how things ended, I think about how we could have been as adults. It pains me to think I could have done more, I could have kept trying, but it seemed the more I tried to help, the more you hated me. I failed you, and I will always be sorry. What I wouldn't give to hold your hand again. I miss you.
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