Well...here i am...4:07 am... wired...not tired. Traffic is heavy in my head.
Didnt have such a productive day. The absense of sunshine and the rain made it difficult to stay awake. I wanted to get a bunch of stuff done in my room...but it never happened. Maybe sunday. Hopefully it sucks outside on sunday so i can accomplish what i want to.
Its also weighing on me that THREE YEARS AGO TODAY was the LAST day i would ever see Dad alive. Oh my god. I hate thinking about it. BUt its true. I am more than ever thankful the last words he heard from me were "I love you" and i hope he thought about that the next day. Im dying to think that. I am in so much pain. I am. I hurt. The strength to get through this is within me though,,,its like searching for the holy grail though. Ugh. And you know...i would love it if every once and a while ONE of the few friends i have would try to take me out and try to get me to lighten up a bit. God dammit. It didnt know it was that hard to cheer up a friend. I always seem to be there to make someone smile or listen when needed. Fucking sucks to realize i just dont have friends that are anything like me in that aspect. If i do...speak up you know?...
I think about that every day now too...where are some people that would bend over backwards for me every now and then? It upsets me. I would give so much for that. I know im a pretty good friend and person. Right? I KNOW i am. TOO good sometimes..
Well i guess this is me realizing to stop being the fucking doormat. Until someone out there starts metting me halfway i REALLY need to just keep to myself...be selfish...focus on ME! I need to be here for a while as far as i know so why not work on myself?
I left the other day from home and didnt put my seatbelt on until i was halfway to my destination. I wanted something to happen to me i think. Then i thought of my mom and nikki. I clicked the seatbelt in.
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