alright...where have i been

I knew at some point i would start slacking at this writing business...but on the other hand i dont want it to be scheduled either. But that just shows how much this IS my blog because of my half-assedness which i HATE about myself and my procrastinating problem. UGH. I dont remember always being on the middle or bottom of things...

I remember being younger and so damn ORGANIZED and NEAT....and SMART. I dont know what or who to blame for it all going wrong in 8th grade. Well we moved for one...and i remember that the planifield school system was one step behind where channahon schools were studying. It was hard to adjust. Its hard to adjust at that age when you are becoming a yound adult and EVERYTHING MATTERS.

I look back so often now and think of all the things ive been insecure about...some things which i still am. Im always nit-picking at myself...always wondering how i appear to others...what they are thinking. I know that if i ever have a chance to choose a secret power its definitely going to be the power to read minds.

I feel i might be obsessed with it. Always struggling to know if im 100 percent to that person. And i also feel this isnt my fault. People constantly tell me not to take things to seriously and to not care what this person thinks of me. But i do...

...and here i am thanking my dad again for that. He constantly told me the things i wasnt doing right. Always. I had to beg for his approval all the fucking time. I walked around him always thinking that im doing something wrong...actually i started to not even think it i just knew whatever i was doing was just the wrong thing in front of him. My feel hurt so bad from walking on eggshells. I had to constantly hide my true self and things other people were doing that were normal...things i couldnt do.

I remember always having to be shut in for the stupidest shit. I feel my head was so fucked growing up and other people started to say things to me...coulndt understand why i could do the simplest of things. My dad put his life on the line to keep blinders on me and keep things sugar-coated but as i got older it was always complaining i had to hear...negetive things about everything and everyone. I dreaded being alone with him because i hated how he used to talk about the world. He hated it. It was so bad that i made it the boldest point when things went well between me and him...effective conversations where he would actually explain things and explian them calmly...conversations that went somewhere and stuck with me. These times were so far and few between i dont even think both hands could be used on counting them.

All i wanted to do was love my dad. He was so interesting. I just wanted to be as close as i could to him. Little did i know he was so sick. God damn him for that. God damn him for hiding it. and the biggest god damn of all was him leaving me wiuthout the decency to tell me why.

I know he was a good person. I feel like him being an addict was not his fault. and that furters my thoughts into how much i fucking hate his whole fucking family. They fucked him up into always wanting to be fucked up which let to fucking up his life which led into fucking up my mothers AND mine and nikkis.

Fuck. Yeah im looking too into the past as always. Being too emotional as always. BEING TOO DRAMATIC AS ALWAYS. People shout this at me like im doing it on purpose. Like i want to be like this. And i am just thinking about how i really dont fucking care anymore. Dont listen to me? Dont read my business. If you have a problem with what you chose to read dont fucjking comment on it...disregard it and move on. I dont see myself inviting people to read this. Or any of my thoughts anywhere at anytime. I walk around confused because half the people are trying to tell me to shut up but the other half who know me know i keep so much inside and encourage me to let it out. This ratio always has me thinking though which brings me back to why i would love to read peoples minds. I know and have known too many deceitful people. A lot of the people ive know have disgusted me. They go through long periods of time being a false friend that i end up confiding in and trying to be able to trust and eventually they break and say what they really think or end up saying what the truely feel about me to someone else who passes this information along to me. How, i think, can someone just honestly disregard any of that? I seriously feel unsettled around alot of people because i feel i reall just dont know anyone. And it makes me sick. and sad. and upset. and i obsess over it. This is a big part of why its hard for me to sleep. I constantly analyze my interactions for the day with people and events and just notice how fake it was or how things werent exactly right. Im so overobservant and very detective about things that just arent right....i dont know where to begin to cure this because its not just something i can just stop being like. Ive been trained for too many years to be cautious...and part of me wants to just begin to not see it and the other part feels like i still should stand my ground.

More and more often i know that people are being shitty to me or things just arent what they seem and ive been hiding that i know. Im such a lonely person honestly. AND I HATE IT.

I wasnt lonely today though. It was a day off for me. And it was fantastic. Surpringsly when i worked yesterday it was busy as hell and many problems arose but my overall mood was swell. I had energy and an upbeat attitude the whole day. Amazing! i was proud of myself!

Today was so good. The sun was out...it was warm... i was relaxed! And happy! I got my first snocone of the year at the Tropical Sno by bill's house. Omg i could not have been more excited...especially being able to spend most of my day with Nick <3. This is someone in my life right now that i believe understands me. hes not selfish or a fucking moron or has a crazy addiction to anything. Hes real. He gets it. This point in my life i couldnt be more thankful for him. And i dont feel weird or uncomfortable around him...i can be myself...which alot lately has been slightly askew but he doesnt seem to mind. Today was just fabulous....and we are two for two now...lets make it seven for seven.