The epiphany

Brittany got online a little bit ago. A little bit before that my very good friend Jason stopped by. Jason and I only talked for about a half hour but something spectacular happened and i just cant believe the epiphany that arised from only a short period of talking about things we have been learning seperately on our own over a period of about 8 years.

Here is the conversation that took place on Facebook between Brittany and I. I had to copy and paste my online epiphany because i believe im finally breaking through:

Me
im finally ready to start being me again
like its an event or something
because for the first time in a while i feel like i can do this

8:54pmBrittany
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU!
I'm so glad girl
That seriously makes me smile ear to ear.
I'm happy for you

8:55pmMe
my mom told me she thinks i look so much better

8:55pmBrittany
so damn happy im sheading a tear

8:55pmMe
for her to just say that tio me without me asking her is something
im crying too actually
i have a long time i have to be on earth
i cant drag myself around
thank you for still being here with me

8:56pmBrittany
i love you
of course im here

8:57pmMe
i know i dont have to explain to you how many peo0ple have just left me

8:57pmBrittany
i know
but honestly think of all the people youve met in the past few years or even months you know?

8:57pmMe
i know
me and jason were just talking about that
like we both sorta talked about just how people from high school dont really matter except a select few and he told me to not worry that hes always going to be there for me and we bntoh talked
about how weve progressesd since highschool
getting caught up in whetre life strings us along and the people weve been meeting and our jobs and just life
learning from the miostakes weve made and just trying to be ok
everybodays got shit
its all different

8:59pmBrittany
thats so true
thats why i try not to judge everyone at first ebcause everyone acts a certain way for a reason

9:00pmMe
like stopping with your life is the worst thing
and dwelling on things and how bad they are, like keeping moving and just trying to learn and dela and move on is what i have to do

9:01pmBrittany
we all do

9:01pmMe
i have been through some shitty shit. but finally i know for a fact i have to get somewhere ive been stuck on the down for too long

9:02pmBrittany
you're going great places ashley
i dont know how you dont see it everyday at work

9:02pmMe
my dad would honestly not want me to be in a hole forever
im embracing everyday i can wake up now and live because of how good it is to have my family i have even though its just us three
...and especially this week at work has made me realize plenty

9:03pmBrittany
i love you three. I'm JEALOUS of you three. like i've said i cant even tell you how much inspiring you girls are to me.

Me
how ivebeen ina generally positive mood the whole week despite how catty it was and busy and stressful

9:04pmBrittany
thats good!
so so oso so good

9:05pmMe
ive thought about how i always want to blame other people for how i cant stand
my job sometimes
because im LETIING them

9:05pmBrittany
true that!

9:06pmMe
everyday this week instead of rushing out of there in a pissy mood at someone ior something ive stayed and helped clean up and made sure everyone had their stuff done and made sure i did all i could before i went home because it made me feel good
even like i told you at the beginning of the week how i dropped everything to help tim even though the shit he has to do sucks and i dont like it but i did it anyways because i knew i was more than capable of handling it

and i felt awesome for it and i could see it made a difference

and it makes me feel good because i think about if this was a couple months ago how difficult i made it seem to do extra thingsin my life because i thought i was so beyond help



9:08pmBrittany
no one is ever beyond help
im so glad to see you doing good

9:09pmMe
its not 100 percent yet but it took a big step within the past week

9:09pmBrittany
i can tell

9:09pmMe
i stopped myself a couple times because
i have that bipolar factor still...like my mood quickly changed from one extreme to another
i just all of a sudden get so empty and lonely again like a drop on a rollercoaster
i physically can feel my mind plummet and its overwhelming

9:10pmBrittany
you should meditate
i think it would really help


9:10pmMe
thats when i pace and have racing thoughts but then like i feel the medicine like try to pace myself and asess whats really going on

talking aloud or writing have really helped

9:12pmBrittany
yes!

9:12pmMe
writing lets me organize whats racing
thorugh my head and puts it in front of me so i can see how i need to filter it

9:12pmBrittany
writing is amazing

9:12pmMe
it declutters my mind
makes me realize it isnt THAT bad
and actually glorifies what i do have
quickly brings me to the realizxation that I AM AWSEOME
IM STRONG

IM UNIQUE

and IM HAPPY

9:14pmBrittany
:D
i love you

9:15pmMe
it like...slows me down in a sense where im not immediately looking to feel better
in the terms of drugs or drinking or
erratic behavior like shopping

like it was always...i feel shitty i need to cover it up
and it would make me feel better so i thought

9:16pmBrittany
thats a lot of peoples biggest problem

9:16pmMe
yeah it makes me feel better but really its fucking shit up more
because the feelings return...its still
there

9:16pmBrittany
for sure

9:16pmMe
sleeping all the time just leaves me tired still
shopping and buying shit i dont need means i have the shit but i still feel shitty anyways

9:17pmBrittany
exactly


9:19pmMe
i cant even believe myself right now because im actually assessing myself and helping myself like i could have the power to help another before but NOT myself


9:22pmBrittany
im so proud and happy for you
youre practically fucking enlightened

9:22pmMe
i can truthfully say i feel that way right now
im not 100 percent like i said

9:23pmBrittany
no one ever really is


9:23pmMe
but the way ive been the past week is definitely a new feeling i havent felt in a long long time
im trying not to mope
im not going to sit around and whine for people to hang out or come over or do shit

yeah its nice to know you have friends who want to company you.
but when im staying up all night for nights in a row just fucking praying to god any fucking soul invites me out or does something with me and im following people like the sad puppy dog ive been its so stupid
i can spend that time in route to better people who reciprocate

9:27pmBrittany
for sure
i just sit at home most nights honestly
i rarely do anything anymore

9:28pmMe
like i pulled out this alkaline trio cd that i used tio listen to in high school

from the status i put up as you can [prob tell

and it took me back to times where things were ok
they werent AWESOME
but they were OK
i hung out with people without hassle
we did things that werent destrusting to ourselves
enjoyed things like walks and movies and outings

*NATURE

9:29pmBrittany
love it

9:29pmMe
silly things that were funny SOBER

yeah you got in fights and arguments
and disagreements but you didnt bitch for hours and then reasses your whole life each time and plkummet so low you could pass out
and you didnt search for the quickest way out back then little by little fucking yourself even further
you got up in the morning
and you went to bed at night
and had the energy to do it again
i mean you didnt even have to think about it or argue with yourself if you are
going to eat today or even get up today

9:32pmBrittany
true that
i miss being a kid

9:32pmMe
you had shit to do, your homework your chores...you did them

9:32pmBrittany
not if your name is stephanie

LOL
Me
lmao

but i guess i mean like me you werent SCARED to do them

9:33pmBrittany
sorry for calling you at like 5 am the other night. i saw you texted adil and when i woke up and saw i just felt panicked for some reason
i was like is she ok?
was there a tornado!?

Me
you didnt stop in the middle of doing laundry and dishes to take a 6 hour nap

its totally fine

im copying this converstaion and im putting it in my blog

9:34pmBrittany
please do!

9:34pmMe
because im proud of the words coming
out of nmy m9outh

9:34pmBrittany
i cant even express how proud I am!
i loooove whne the people i know and love start realizing their potential in life and all of its relations... especially happiness

9:37pmMe
like i changed my hair color...its not a big deal
but i can tell by the way people looked at me
like they were just happy for me
alot of the things people said had to do with words like brighter

lighter

beautiful

like a couple guys i know...like they didnt say "oh damn thats sexy"
like i didnt feel like an object when i walked away

i felt like a person

9:39pmBrittany
i do love the hair!

9:40pmMe
like when people said something about it, most of them said things like how it just matched with my complexion...before my dark hair "didnt go with me well"

i guess im using my hair as a metaphor

9:40pmBrittany
i love it

i HATE to do this
but my dad is kicking me out of his room so he can sleep
i cant wait o get my laptop charger
call me tmrw
i love you!

9:40pmMe
ITS OK...YES I WILL AFTER I LEAVE WORK

I LOVE YOU TOO
SORRY FOR THE CAPS

lol
thank you

9:41pmBrittany
lol its ok

later


9:41pmMe
thank you for just being here
bye

9:41pmBrittany
i love you you are so very utterly welcome


9:44pmBrittany is offline.