waking up from a week long nap

Alright...my internal alarm just went off i think...im finally awake. ITS FUCKING SUNDAY WHAT THE HELL...

last week was my birthday week...the week that i wait for all year because deep down i just love something to be truly all about me and so rightly so...
yeah. didnt turn out that way at ALL. ive been concious...but also ive been the most sick and the most moody ive been in a loooonnnng time. TOO MUCH THINKING. TOO MUCH STRESS. TOO MUCH UPSET STOMACH.

I honestly think i fucked myself by just constantly worrying ALL WEEK something was going to be wrong and everyday this week there was!

I have to conclude that if you really worry something is going to go wrong...IT WILL.

The only day that went right i believe was monday! I felt like my new, productive self and work went fine. Oh wait..yeah. Monday night i set myself up for failure because once again i was dressed up with nowhere to go and waitng for a phone cAll that repeatedly never comes. Sigh. Times i do that i want to kick my own teeth in because that means i failed again at building my hopes up for the usual buzzkill. I HATE the buzzkill...yet again and again i leave myself open for it. WHERE the fuck am i ever goinbg to get the power to not give a fuck anymore?
WHERE?

Tuesday was a lazy day...it wasnt bad but it wasnt at all productive. A lot of worrying thaT my birthday was going to go unnoticed by my "friends". Every year...every god damn year i want my birthday to be completely AWESOME. I just want to be aurrounded by people that care about me...or at least people who can act like they do. Im not trusting alot of people that much lately...and im talking about the ones that appear to be closest to me.

Wednesday...ahhh. My BIRTHDAY! I actually felt GREAT at work...it was awesome...not going to lie...i felt loved and appreciated. Most of the feeling i just strive for. Jeanie made me an awesome no sugar added carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, and i got sugar free chocolate too! The new girl Betsy made me sugar cookies and she kept appoligizing she didnt know i was diabetic :D. Haha i dont even care...someone had me on their mind and was making me something for my birthday...so awesome. Carole got me a super cute feather headband and the owner's wife Sandy even made me hot artichoke dip with cheese which was none the less AMAZING! For the place that i think doesnt really care about me as a human being they sure made me feel like i mattered.
Came home and mom got me my favorite pie ever..lemon supreme and "brithday chicken salad" LOL. Heres wehre the worrying started...
As soon as i ate i started worrying about my stomach and having to be locked in a caR FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME. I feel if i didnt worry the whole time i was in that van i wouldnt of been so sick.

So i spent the lot of the rest of the day silent, worried, humilated, and embarrssed. And as sick as can be.

God...could you have please put that on hold till the next day? Who do i have to kiss ass to get ONE FUCKING worry free, sick free day around here? Ithink out of some of the good deeds i do i should be allowed one or eight million.

Well, on the bright side...brittany put togther this amazing photo album of pictures of me and her and i cried when i read the words it said. We were supposed to take more pictures that day to put in there. As of now i see ONE exists and im in the bottom corner of it. Yeah. I feel so shitty about that....
Mastodon none the less blew my mind away. One of those bands that groove so hard i get lost in the feeling of the sound. Second best concert i have ever been to.
Kaley got me a bag of awesome gifts also...that was so nice and each of them were totally me. These are the things i wait for in life..for my love to be reciprocated from the ones i love.

Thursday couldnt of sucked anymore than it did...went to work late because my stomach would not let me function as a member of society. Thanks. Im looking greater and greater everyday to that company as an awesome employee. The thing is if they could be me for one fucking I honestly believe the6y could not handle it.

Friday was a bust. Worked and wasted my night sleeping. I felt like i hadnt sleep in months. Its ok...no one made any effort to acknowledge my existence so.

Saturday could of just as well be erased from my life history. Sick to the point of passing out. Slept most of the day again. Sick at night. Alex Ilg took me to ihop though and took awesome care of me. He really had true and nice things to say about me. He was the postive influence i needed.

Which brings me to sunday...today i looked in the mirror and said here i am earth...im back. I have to turn things around this week. I HAVE TO GET AN APPOINTMENT ASAP WITH DR SPADONI. I fucking missed that appointment monday...how the fuck could i do that to myself? I honestly feel my mind took a vacation because it wasnt here for most of the week. Today im slapping myself...WAKE UP. Last week was a fluke! I wasnt feeling that awesome surge of rebirth thats for damn sure. So many missed phone calls, texts...get it togther.



It rained one of the days this week though and i felt it was another breakthrough...i noticed something while walking up to my house... a worm. Its been YEARS since ive noticed worms when it rains...