I got to sleep in for a bit finally...i was up about ten am instead of my usual twelve pm or later norm for a sunday. Basically rolled off the couch and left the house. I had to go up to phillips to get the freshest, prettiest flowers i could get. No jewel bouquets here. I put togther a huge bouquet of starfighter lillies, fushia peonies, and light pink fragrant stock with variegated lily grass. Perfest. Celloed it up with pink tissue and a light pink bow for my corinne. Came home after that and rummaged through the biggest box in the basement...the barbie box. I was able to find one of corinnes barbies in it...dressed her up and gave her a backpack full with little barbie trinkets that pertained to corinne...a barbie soccorball, hairdryer, soda, mirror, hairbrush, perfume. Had to make sure her barbie was prepared for any journey she was going to partake which i believe she was going home wioth the naumanns...
This wake was different from any other wake i had been too. Definitely the second most upsetting...first being dads. Every funeraL I have to endure now i will always remember walking into my dads for the first time...
I hadnt seen my dad since i told him i loved him the thursday before he went missing so it had been about a week and a half before i saw him again. Instantly walking into that funeral home i gripped my mom and had instant anixety and shakes. I did not want to walk up to that casket...and this memory will return and return to me for the rest of my life. Theres dad...in a casket.
THERES DAD IN A CASKET. THERES DAD IN A CASKET.
I lost it. It didnt even look like my dad. I was so angry. I was so sad. I was crushed. I was broken. I wanted to jump in there with him and just get creamated along with him. I had no choice...this is it. I pinned the most beautifukl boutonierre i had ever made on him. He didnt like wearing flowers. Well guess what dad, you are riding out in style for this one. I gave him my prettiest rosary.
I pulled up today to the funeral home. Walked through the parking lot seeing random peiople from life in plainfield...all striken with grief. I hugged Nicole basically and walked in...no one else cared to say a word to me. Thats fine...fuck 'em.
The demeanor in the funeral home was silent. Almost not a word was spoken between people just everyone looking at everyone else. I gathered up every ounce of any strength i had left in me to not lose it. I sobbed the whole time. We were seated right away and i looked to the front. I saw flowers, i saw pictures. I saw corinnes beautiful face in a frame. But no corinne. No ashes? No box? No body? No actual knowledge of how my friend slipped out of our lives into the next. Its upsetting me. Its eerie. The whole experience today was like that....
I wanted to hug Chad. I was told he was not speaking to a soul. Someday soon ill see him. We were seating, there was a service...her parents upset me the most. Whatever happened to Corinne must have been something she did....i feel if it was an accident we would know about it. And im so sorry....god help her family get through this. When the speaking ended it was like a rush to get everyone through to meet her parents and pay respects. I wanted to look at the posters so bad but it was hurried. The whole nature of the wake was just upsetting. Corinne i know your here...and i want to slap you upside the head. :(
Crystal showed up. THANK GOD crystal showed up. My twinny. We share the same birthday...she was part of our trio. A big part of my life and growing up. A true friend...non drama positve, upbeat. She really gets me. There are so few that i have that are like her. We get outside and some unknown was telling everyone that "everyone" was meeting at lonestar. I didnt want to go. AT all. Especially with a bunch iof people i used to know...that have facebook friended me...that dont GIVE A SHIT about me or anybody but themselves. I looked at Crystal and she wasnt down either. She was lucky and got the chance to opt out of this area...surburbia...Plainfield.... "Never never land"....
Yeah. Thats what iove labeled plainfield now... never never land. Most of the same people are there...doing nothing spectacular...sitting in pools of drama and bullshit...always looking for the party... most are broke with no jobs and just do nothing but shit talk. I feel sorry for the few good eggs left in that carton who are at least trying.
But anyways...Crystal and I broke from that clusterfuck and went to Chilis...lemme tell you i needed her. We needed that talk. Shes got the plan...shes driven, shes still upbeat, so positive...and knows alot of the tools to make it far in terms of just shaping yourself up to be an amazing person...
She was explaining things to help me that ive been slowly realizing the past couple weeks. So many of the same things it was scary. And the things we were relating to were scary too. Like i said my twin...Same birthday same height same sense of humor, shes getting a fucking peacock tasttoed on her back. Oh my god now thats just fucking scary. Awesome but scary. Shes got a wrist tattoo too AND AN EAR TATTOO OMFG. She has stomach business going on too...same eating habits. I walked away from our time togther enlightened and smiling. I will definitely be making a point to spend waaaaaay more time with her because shes worth it. She gets me. I can trust her. Yay.
Ugh. Im not really tired now but i know i work early. Sucks. Crystal is celebrating her birthday downtown where she lives and i just may go up there because she desereves it. I went out tonight for a while for Ilg's 21st. It was me, Dolfo, and Alex. And he was so appreciative i showed up. NJo one else did but us. I felt bad but he didnt he was overjoyed to see us. And im glad. We had a great time. He told me he didnt think i would show up. I told him if i say im going to show up somewhere i usually do...i hate being blown off and try VERY hard not to do it to anyone...but it only happens if im too sick to do something. At the end of the night Dolfo and Alex tell me "You know what? Youre a lady!" I loved that compliment and went to the jukebox to put on Tom JOnes "Shes a Lady".
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