Bloodshot eyes and barbies

Today was not good. No no no it was NOT good. Woke up with an unexplainable dizziness and stomach upsetness of course.... mood has been stabilizing but stomach problems are starting to get out of hand. Got in the way of working today...on my FAVORITE day to be at work because my creativity just looms out of control. Fuck my life. Yeah i said. I am sick of being sick. And i wanted to go back in time again and again to when i was sixteen because tyhat was a time before my first traumatic event happened and sent my mental health to a downward spiral taking my physical health with it. I have missed out on so much...oh my god it makes me so angry.

Yet i have just always felt its just not my fault. I think lexapro is putting those words in my mouth. I was supposed to go to the doctor thursday to finally start solving mysteries i have been putting up with for the past couple years. Well, my doctor dropped off my insurance and my refetrraL paper was useless. Once again, fuck my life. Back to square one. Get to put up with this shit for god knows when now.

Well if that wasnt such a fantastic beginning to my day, i come home to facebook. Log in, scroll down my news feed and stop in my tracks. Taryn, who i went to grade school thru 7th grade has a status message saying "RIP Corinne" ...ok theres only ONE corinne. the ONLY corinne. my friend corinne of forever. Known her since i moved to plainfield. was my sister practically. THIS COULDNT BE REAL LIFE...



yeah. MY corinne. MY CORINNE is gone.

What the fuck. Are you kidding me? Are you seriously joking right now? PleaSE. Nope. My corinne has left me. Im hysterical. I cannot come to terms with it. What the fuck happened? No one is saying, and i can believe no one right now. I called mom right away, her shift was almost over. I had to go to her house...had to see my second mom and dad...

Pulled up to her beautiful house in plainfield. I lived there practically...it was a block away from mine but i cut thru the yards...it was right there. It used to be a salmon colored house...definitely stoof out. The house is beautiful though...her mom loves to garden and designs yards...shes so talented. Always covered with flowers and plants and the house is a victorion style which is now painted a different color....but its gorgeous...plants all in bloom....the backyard is beautiful too covered in mature trees....i spent so much time there. I was part of that family for so long....

We walk up and im shaking and im crying. My corinne. Her dad answers the door and just looks at me completley complacent but shaking. We just held each other and i balled and balled..just held him tight like i would do to my dad. Then mom came to the door and she lost it. I held her too. Couldnt say much of anything my body wouldnt let me. Oh my god her parents... i felt bad for being there but i knew it was ok to be there. Mom came with me. Not much was said...her mom left to go upstairs she couldnt handle being down there...and i sat with her dad on the same couches that have been there in the beautiful front room that was always breezy and shaded....i just hugged his arm and sat on the couch and cried there. Her dad was always comforting...i always liked him he was silly and loving. Her aunt dawn was there which i loved growing up..she was the cool aunt. Her and my mom were whisper talking. I heard my mom ask what happened and aunt dawn WOULD NOT say....

corinne...what happened??? God dammit what happened to you? YOU ARE A FUCKING BEAUTIFUL PERSON. TO THIS DAY WE WERE STILL FRIENDS.

God must have needed you...he needed your angelic existence. Im hoping to god that ione of the last things you heard me say to you was i love you. We go way back girl...

You were like the second person i met when i moved in....pretty much friends ever since then. So many sleepovers...staying up super late play Ready Set Spaghetti and playing with legos...whatever i had you had to have and when you got something i wanted it too! We were always up to something...traveling in the depths of your backyard through trees...playing in the creek...picking flowers. We were always swinging in my backyard and making movies and playing in my basement playing resturant...and the barbies...oh the barbies...

You had your dollhouse that i loved so mcuh that your grandpa built for you...we would drag trashbags of barbies to each others houses and go nuts...we had so much! We never got sick of them. I still have one of your ken dolls even. We grew up togther...found stuff out about life. Got bothered by chad all the time...always wanted to destroy our barbies lives with his gi joes...always just wanted to bother us. I remember the one time we were all in the basement and made up dances to songs. You had the trampoline too we always played on that and then you got a pool.. i didnt even come home for dinner half the time. We seriously spent whole summers doing things together. Went to school...so excited that finally in fifth grade we got to be in the same class! We experienced most of middle school togther...getting ready for dances with eyeshadow and glitter...listening to robyn and tlc. You didnt need makeup though...you were so pretty. The boys loved you! I was always jealous of how athletic you were...that was something i never had. You were so good at sports and you tried teaching me so many things that i never caught on too. I remember when i was diagnosed with diabetes and you made me a card with a frog on it...the reason i never went home for dinner is because i was never hungry and had high blood sugar...

Oh my god...remember the week that we played house all week in the fort in my backyard? I dragged out that plastic kitchen set and we had a whole house going...one time we covered the fort in plstic while there was a huge rainstorm and we stayed out there while it rained. You stuck up for me on the bus when the boys were being shitty...aLWAYS told me to never let people walk all over me. You introduced me to dinty moore beef stew :) I loved your family you loved mine...and minwe loved you. Even my dad...and thats soemthing because my dad only liked so many of my friends.

I hated to move away. It wasnt far but it was still too far. I had a birthday party the year after i moved in and only a couple people came and you were one of them. I never lost touch with you and when i could drive i still came over. I always kept track of you...i loved you. You were one of those friends i could trust and could do anything with. I didnt feel stupid around you.

Oh my god. I am so sorry this happened. And im sorry for you and right now i dont even know WHAT happened. When i find out it better not be because you wanted it to happen...it better not be because you were trying something. I know you. You liked extremes...and thats not bad but sometimes it wasnt good either.

There is a definite puncture wound in my heart. My eyes are bloodshot from crying, theres makeup all over my face. Cheeks are puffy red. I have the shakes. Im going to work in the morning to pick out beautiful flowers for you...you deserve the BEST. No jewel bouquets. Trying to locate the barbie box downstairs ill try to find you a good barbie to take with you. I found one but shes naked...maybe i can run by and fiund an outfit for her that resembles more something you would wear...

I hope you are up there listening right now...in fact i know you are. Say hi to dad for me...keep him company...ill try to keep your dad company down here. Crystal is coming tomarrow too...our trio...she feels horrible please forgive and forget whatever was going on.

I would give anything to hug you right now...