Alright...my internal alarm just went off i think...im finally awake. ITS FUCKING SUNDAY WHAT THE HELL...
last week was my birthday week...the week that i wait for all year because deep down i just love something to be truly all about me and so rightly so...
yeah. didnt turn out that way at ALL. ive been concious...but also ive been the most sick and the most moody ive been in a loooonnnng time. TOO MUCH THINKING. TOO MUCH STRESS. TOO MUCH UPSET STOMACH.
I honestly think i fucked myself by just constantly worrying ALL WEEK something was going to be wrong and everyday this week there was!
I have to conclude that if you really worry something is going to go wrong...IT WILL.
The only day that went right i believe was monday! I felt like my new, productive self and work went fine. Oh wait..yeah. Monday night i set myself up for failure because once again i was dressed up with nowhere to go and waitng for a phone cAll that repeatedly never comes. Sigh. Times i do that i want to kick my own teeth in because that means i failed again at building my hopes up for the usual buzzkill. I HATE the buzzkill...yet again and again i leave myself open for it. WHERE the fuck am i ever goinbg to get the power to not give a fuck anymore?
WHERE?
Tuesday was a lazy day...it wasnt bad but it wasnt at all productive. A lot of worrying thaT my birthday was going to go unnoticed by my "friends". Every year...every god damn year i want my birthday to be completely AWESOME. I just want to be aurrounded by people that care about me...or at least people who can act like they do. Im not trusting alot of people that much lately...and im talking about the ones that appear to be closest to me.
Wednesday...ahhh. My BIRTHDAY! I actually felt GREAT at work...it was awesome...not going to lie...i felt loved and appreciated. Most of the feeling i just strive for. Jeanie made me an awesome no sugar added carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, and i got sugar free chocolate too! The new girl Betsy made me sugar cookies and she kept appoligizing she didnt know i was diabetic :D. Haha i dont even care...someone had me on their mind and was making me something for my birthday...so awesome. Carole got me a super cute feather headband and the owner's wife Sandy even made me hot artichoke dip with cheese which was none the less AMAZING! For the place that i think doesnt really care about me as a human being they sure made me feel like i mattered.
Came home and mom got me my favorite pie ever..lemon supreme and "brithday chicken salad" LOL. Heres wehre the worrying started...
As soon as i ate i started worrying about my stomach and having to be locked in a caR FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME. I feel if i didnt worry the whole time i was in that van i wouldnt of been so sick.
So i spent the lot of the rest of the day silent, worried, humilated, and embarrssed. And as sick as can be.
God...could you have please put that on hold till the next day? Who do i have to kiss ass to get ONE FUCKING worry free, sick free day around here? Ithink out of some of the good deeds i do i should be allowed one or eight million.
Well, on the bright side...brittany put togther this amazing photo album of pictures of me and her and i cried when i read the words it said. We were supposed to take more pictures that day to put in there. As of now i see ONE exists and im in the bottom corner of it. Yeah. I feel so shitty about that....
Mastodon none the less blew my mind away. One of those bands that groove so hard i get lost in the feeling of the sound. Second best concert i have ever been to.
Kaley got me a bag of awesome gifts also...that was so nice and each of them were totally me. These are the things i wait for in life..for my love to be reciprocated from the ones i love.
Thursday couldnt of sucked anymore than it did...went to work late because my stomach would not let me function as a member of society. Thanks. Im looking greater and greater everyday to that company as an awesome employee. The thing is if they could be me for one fucking I honestly believe the6y could not handle it.
Friday was a bust. Worked and wasted my night sleeping. I felt like i hadnt sleep in months. Its ok...no one made any effort to acknowledge my existence so.
Saturday could of just as well be erased from my life history. Sick to the point of passing out. Slept most of the day again. Sick at night. Alex Ilg took me to ihop though and took awesome care of me. He really had true and nice things to say about me. He was the postive influence i needed.
Which brings me to sunday...today i looked in the mirror and said here i am earth...im back. I have to turn things around this week. I HAVE TO GET AN APPOINTMENT ASAP WITH DR SPADONI. I fucking missed that appointment monday...how the fuck could i do that to myself? I honestly feel my mind took a vacation because it wasnt here for most of the week. Today im slapping myself...WAKE UP. Last week was a fluke! I wasnt feeling that awesome surge of rebirth thats for damn sure. So many missed phone calls, texts...get it togther.
It rained one of the days this week though and i felt it was another breakthrough...i noticed something while walking up to my house... a worm. Its been YEARS since ive noticed worms when it rains...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Shes a Lady
I remember reading a book where they explained red letter and black letter days. I guess when my envelope opened for the day it had one of each...
I got to sleep in for a bit finally...i was up about ten am instead of my usual twelve pm or later norm for a sunday. Basically rolled off the couch and left the house. I had to go up to phillips to get the freshest, prettiest flowers i could get. No jewel bouquets here. I put togther a huge bouquet of starfighter lillies, fushia peonies, and light pink fragrant stock with variegated lily grass. Perfest. Celloed it up with pink tissue and a light pink bow for my corinne. Came home after that and rummaged through the biggest box in the basement...the barbie box. I was able to find one of corinnes barbies in it...dressed her up and gave her a backpack full with little barbie trinkets that pertained to corinne...a barbie soccorball, hairdryer, soda, mirror, hairbrush, perfume. Had to make sure her barbie was prepared for any journey she was going to partake which i believe she was going home wioth the naumanns...
This wake was different from any other wake i had been too. Definitely the second most upsetting...first being dads. Every funeraL I have to endure now i will always remember walking into my dads for the first time...
I hadnt seen my dad since i told him i loved him the thursday before he went missing so it had been about a week and a half before i saw him again. Instantly walking into that funeral home i gripped my mom and had instant anixety and shakes. I did not want to walk up to that casket...and this memory will return and return to me for the rest of my life. Theres dad...in a casket.
THERES DAD IN A CASKET. THERES DAD IN A CASKET.
I lost it. It didnt even look like my dad. I was so angry. I was so sad. I was crushed. I was broken. I wanted to jump in there with him and just get creamated along with him. I had no choice...this is it. I pinned the most beautifukl boutonierre i had ever made on him. He didnt like wearing flowers. Well guess what dad, you are riding out in style for this one. I gave him my prettiest rosary.
I pulled up today to the funeral home. Walked through the parking lot seeing random peiople from life in plainfield...all striken with grief. I hugged Nicole basically and walked in...no one else cared to say a word to me. Thats fine...fuck 'em.
The demeanor in the funeral home was silent. Almost not a word was spoken between people just everyone looking at everyone else. I gathered up every ounce of any strength i had left in me to not lose it. I sobbed the whole time. We were seated right away and i looked to the front. I saw flowers, i saw pictures. I saw corinnes beautiful face in a frame. But no corinne. No ashes? No box? No body? No actual knowledge of how my friend slipped out of our lives into the next. Its upsetting me. Its eerie. The whole experience today was like that....
I wanted to hug Chad. I was told he was not speaking to a soul. Someday soon ill see him. We were seating, there was a service...her parents upset me the most. Whatever happened to Corinne must have been something she did....i feel if it was an accident we would know about it. And im so sorry....god help her family get through this. When the speaking ended it was like a rush to get everyone through to meet her parents and pay respects. I wanted to look at the posters so bad but it was hurried. The whole nature of the wake was just upsetting. Corinne i know your here...and i want to slap you upside the head. :(
Crystal showed up. THANK GOD crystal showed up. My twinny. We share the same birthday...she was part of our trio. A big part of my life and growing up. A true friend...non drama positve, upbeat. She really gets me. There are so few that i have that are like her. We get outside and some unknown was telling everyone that "everyone" was meeting at lonestar. I didnt want to go. AT all. Especially with a bunch iof people i used to know...that have facebook friended me...that dont GIVE A SHIT about me or anybody but themselves. I looked at Crystal and she wasnt down either. She was lucky and got the chance to opt out of this area...surburbia...Plainfield.... "Never never land"....
Yeah. Thats what iove labeled plainfield now... never never land. Most of the same people are there...doing nothing spectacular...sitting in pools of drama and bullshit...always looking for the party... most are broke with no jobs and just do nothing but shit talk. I feel sorry for the few good eggs left in that carton who are at least trying.
But anyways...Crystal and I broke from that clusterfuck and went to Chilis...lemme tell you i needed her. We needed that talk. Shes got the plan...shes driven, shes still upbeat, so positive...and knows alot of the tools to make it far in terms of just shaping yourself up to be an amazing person...
She was explaining things to help me that ive been slowly realizing the past couple weeks. So many of the same things it was scary. And the things we were relating to were scary too. Like i said my twin...Same birthday same height same sense of humor, shes getting a fucking peacock tasttoed on her back. Oh my god now thats just fucking scary. Awesome but scary. Shes got a wrist tattoo too AND AN EAR TATTOO OMFG. She has stomach business going on too...same eating habits. I walked away from our time togther enlightened and smiling. I will definitely be making a point to spend waaaaaay more time with her because shes worth it. She gets me. I can trust her. Yay.
Ugh. Im not really tired now but i know i work early. Sucks. Crystal is celebrating her birthday downtown where she lives and i just may go up there because she desereves it. I went out tonight for a while for Ilg's 21st. It was me, Dolfo, and Alex. And he was so appreciative i showed up. NJo one else did but us. I felt bad but he didnt he was overjoyed to see us. And im glad. We had a great time. He told me he didnt think i would show up. I told him if i say im going to show up somewhere i usually do...i hate being blown off and try VERY hard not to do it to anyone...but it only happens if im too sick to do something. At the end of the night Dolfo and Alex tell me "You know what? Youre a lady!" I loved that compliment and went to the jukebox to put on Tom JOnes "Shes a Lady".
I got to sleep in for a bit finally...i was up about ten am instead of my usual twelve pm or later norm for a sunday. Basically rolled off the couch and left the house. I had to go up to phillips to get the freshest, prettiest flowers i could get. No jewel bouquets here. I put togther a huge bouquet of starfighter lillies, fushia peonies, and light pink fragrant stock with variegated lily grass. Perfest. Celloed it up with pink tissue and a light pink bow for my corinne. Came home after that and rummaged through the biggest box in the basement...the barbie box. I was able to find one of corinnes barbies in it...dressed her up and gave her a backpack full with little barbie trinkets that pertained to corinne...a barbie soccorball, hairdryer, soda, mirror, hairbrush, perfume. Had to make sure her barbie was prepared for any journey she was going to partake which i believe she was going home wioth the naumanns...
This wake was different from any other wake i had been too. Definitely the second most upsetting...first being dads. Every funeraL I have to endure now i will always remember walking into my dads for the first time...
I hadnt seen my dad since i told him i loved him the thursday before he went missing so it had been about a week and a half before i saw him again. Instantly walking into that funeral home i gripped my mom and had instant anixety and shakes. I did not want to walk up to that casket...and this memory will return and return to me for the rest of my life. Theres dad...in a casket.
THERES DAD IN A CASKET. THERES DAD IN A CASKET.
I lost it. It didnt even look like my dad. I was so angry. I was so sad. I was crushed. I was broken. I wanted to jump in there with him and just get creamated along with him. I had no choice...this is it. I pinned the most beautifukl boutonierre i had ever made on him. He didnt like wearing flowers. Well guess what dad, you are riding out in style for this one. I gave him my prettiest rosary.
I pulled up today to the funeral home. Walked through the parking lot seeing random peiople from life in plainfield...all striken with grief. I hugged Nicole basically and walked in...no one else cared to say a word to me. Thats fine...fuck 'em.
The demeanor in the funeral home was silent. Almost not a word was spoken between people just everyone looking at everyone else. I gathered up every ounce of any strength i had left in me to not lose it. I sobbed the whole time. We were seated right away and i looked to the front. I saw flowers, i saw pictures. I saw corinnes beautiful face in a frame. But no corinne. No ashes? No box? No body? No actual knowledge of how my friend slipped out of our lives into the next. Its upsetting me. Its eerie. The whole experience today was like that....
I wanted to hug Chad. I was told he was not speaking to a soul. Someday soon ill see him. We were seating, there was a service...her parents upset me the most. Whatever happened to Corinne must have been something she did....i feel if it was an accident we would know about it. And im so sorry....god help her family get through this. When the speaking ended it was like a rush to get everyone through to meet her parents and pay respects. I wanted to look at the posters so bad but it was hurried. The whole nature of the wake was just upsetting. Corinne i know your here...and i want to slap you upside the head. :(
Crystal showed up. THANK GOD crystal showed up. My twinny. We share the same birthday...she was part of our trio. A big part of my life and growing up. A true friend...non drama positve, upbeat. She really gets me. There are so few that i have that are like her. We get outside and some unknown was telling everyone that "everyone" was meeting at lonestar. I didnt want to go. AT all. Especially with a bunch iof people i used to know...that have facebook friended me...that dont GIVE A SHIT about me or anybody but themselves. I looked at Crystal and she wasnt down either. She was lucky and got the chance to opt out of this area...surburbia...Plainfield.... "Never never land"....
Yeah. Thats what iove labeled plainfield now... never never land. Most of the same people are there...doing nothing spectacular...sitting in pools of drama and bullshit...always looking for the party... most are broke with no jobs and just do nothing but shit talk. I feel sorry for the few good eggs left in that carton who are at least trying.
But anyways...Crystal and I broke from that clusterfuck and went to Chilis...lemme tell you i needed her. We needed that talk. Shes got the plan...shes driven, shes still upbeat, so positive...and knows alot of the tools to make it far in terms of just shaping yourself up to be an amazing person...
She was explaining things to help me that ive been slowly realizing the past couple weeks. So many of the same things it was scary. And the things we were relating to were scary too. Like i said my twin...Same birthday same height same sense of humor, shes getting a fucking peacock tasttoed on her back. Oh my god now thats just fucking scary. Awesome but scary. Shes got a wrist tattoo too AND AN EAR TATTOO OMFG. She has stomach business going on too...same eating habits. I walked away from our time togther enlightened and smiling. I will definitely be making a point to spend waaaaaay more time with her because shes worth it. She gets me. I can trust her. Yay.
Ugh. Im not really tired now but i know i work early. Sucks. Crystal is celebrating her birthday downtown where she lives and i just may go up there because she desereves it. I went out tonight for a while for Ilg's 21st. It was me, Dolfo, and Alex. And he was so appreciative i showed up. NJo one else did but us. I felt bad but he didnt he was overjoyed to see us. And im glad. We had a great time. He told me he didnt think i would show up. I told him if i say im going to show up somewhere i usually do...i hate being blown off and try VERY hard not to do it to anyone...but it only happens if im too sick to do something. At the end of the night Dolfo and Alex tell me "You know what? Youre a lady!" I loved that compliment and went to the jukebox to put on Tom JOnes "Shes a Lady".
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Bloodshot eyes and barbies
Today was not good. No no no it was NOT good. Woke up with an unexplainable dizziness and stomach upsetness of course.... mood has been stabilizing but stomach problems are starting to get out of hand. Got in the way of working today...on my FAVORITE day to be at work because my creativity just looms out of control. Fuck my life. Yeah i said. I am sick of being sick. And i wanted to go back in time again and again to when i was sixteen because tyhat was a time before my first traumatic event happened and sent my mental health to a downward spiral taking my physical health with it. I have missed out on so much...oh my god it makes me so angry.
Yet i have just always felt its just not my fault. I think lexapro is putting those words in my mouth. I was supposed to go to the doctor thursday to finally start solving mysteries i have been putting up with for the past couple years. Well, my doctor dropped off my insurance and my refetrraL paper was useless. Once again, fuck my life. Back to square one. Get to put up with this shit for god knows when now.
Well if that wasnt such a fantastic beginning to my day, i come home to facebook. Log in, scroll down my news feed and stop in my tracks. Taryn, who i went to grade school thru 7th grade has a status message saying "RIP Corinne" ...ok theres only ONE corinne. the ONLY corinne. my friend corinne of forever. Known her since i moved to plainfield. was my sister practically. THIS COULDNT BE REAL LIFE...
yeah. MY corinne. MY CORINNE is gone.
What the fuck. Are you kidding me? Are you seriously joking right now? PleaSE. Nope. My corinne has left me. Im hysterical. I cannot come to terms with it. What the fuck happened? No one is saying, and i can believe no one right now. I called mom right away, her shift was almost over. I had to go to her house...had to see my second mom and dad...
Pulled up to her beautiful house in plainfield. I lived there practically...it was a block away from mine but i cut thru the yards...it was right there. It used to be a salmon colored house...definitely stoof out. The house is beautiful though...her mom loves to garden and designs yards...shes so talented. Always covered with flowers and plants and the house is a victorion style which is now painted a different color....but its gorgeous...plants all in bloom....the backyard is beautiful too covered in mature trees....i spent so much time there. I was part of that family for so long....
We walk up and im shaking and im crying. My corinne. Her dad answers the door and just looks at me completley complacent but shaking. We just held each other and i balled and balled..just held him tight like i would do to my dad. Then mom came to the door and she lost it. I held her too. Couldnt say much of anything my body wouldnt let me. Oh my god her parents... i felt bad for being there but i knew it was ok to be there. Mom came with me. Not much was said...her mom left to go upstairs she couldnt handle being down there...and i sat with her dad on the same couches that have been there in the beautiful front room that was always breezy and shaded....i just hugged his arm and sat on the couch and cried there. Her dad was always comforting...i always liked him he was silly and loving. Her aunt dawn was there which i loved growing up..she was the cool aunt. Her and my mom were whisper talking. I heard my mom ask what happened and aunt dawn WOULD NOT say....
corinne...what happened??? God dammit what happened to you? YOU ARE A FUCKING BEAUTIFUL PERSON. TO THIS DAY WE WERE STILL FRIENDS.
God must have needed you...he needed your angelic existence. Im hoping to god that ione of the last things you heard me say to you was i love you. We go way back girl...
You were like the second person i met when i moved in....pretty much friends ever since then. So many sleepovers...staying up super late play Ready Set Spaghetti and playing with legos...whatever i had you had to have and when you got something i wanted it too! We were always up to something...traveling in the depths of your backyard through trees...playing in the creek...picking flowers. We were always swinging in my backyard and making movies and playing in my basement playing resturant...and the barbies...oh the barbies...
You had your dollhouse that i loved so mcuh that your grandpa built for you...we would drag trashbags of barbies to each others houses and go nuts...we had so much! We never got sick of them. I still have one of your ken dolls even. We grew up togther...found stuff out about life. Got bothered by chad all the time...always wanted to destroy our barbies lives with his gi joes...always just wanted to bother us. I remember the one time we were all in the basement and made up dances to songs. You had the trampoline too we always played on that and then you got a pool.. i didnt even come home for dinner half the time. We seriously spent whole summers doing things together. Went to school...so excited that finally in fifth grade we got to be in the same class! We experienced most of middle school togther...getting ready for dances with eyeshadow and glitter...listening to robyn and tlc. You didnt need makeup though...you were so pretty. The boys loved you! I was always jealous of how athletic you were...that was something i never had. You were so good at sports and you tried teaching me so many things that i never caught on too. I remember when i was diagnosed with diabetes and you made me a card with a frog on it...the reason i never went home for dinner is because i was never hungry and had high blood sugar...
Oh my god...remember the week that we played house all week in the fort in my backyard? I dragged out that plastic kitchen set and we had a whole house going...one time we covered the fort in plstic while there was a huge rainstorm and we stayed out there while it rained. You stuck up for me on the bus when the boys were being shitty...aLWAYS told me to never let people walk all over me. You introduced me to dinty moore beef stew :) I loved your family you loved mine...and minwe loved you. Even my dad...and thats soemthing because my dad only liked so many of my friends.
I hated to move away. It wasnt far but it was still too far. I had a birthday party the year after i moved in and only a couple people came and you were one of them. I never lost touch with you and when i could drive i still came over. I always kept track of you...i loved you. You were one of those friends i could trust and could do anything with. I didnt feel stupid around you.
Oh my god. I am so sorry this happened. And im sorry for you and right now i dont even know WHAT happened. When i find out it better not be because you wanted it to happen...it better not be because you were trying something. I know you. You liked extremes...and thats not bad but sometimes it wasnt good either.
There is a definite puncture wound in my heart. My eyes are bloodshot from crying, theres makeup all over my face. Cheeks are puffy red. I have the shakes. Im going to work in the morning to pick out beautiful flowers for you...you deserve the BEST. No jewel bouquets. Trying to locate the barbie box downstairs ill try to find you a good barbie to take with you. I found one but shes naked...maybe i can run by and fiund an outfit for her that resembles more something you would wear...
I hope you are up there listening right now...in fact i know you are. Say hi to dad for me...keep him company...ill try to keep your dad company down here. Crystal is coming tomarrow too...our trio...she feels horrible please forgive and forget whatever was going on.
I would give anything to hug you right now...
Yet i have just always felt its just not my fault. I think lexapro is putting those words in my mouth. I was supposed to go to the doctor thursday to finally start solving mysteries i have been putting up with for the past couple years. Well, my doctor dropped off my insurance and my refetrraL paper was useless. Once again, fuck my life. Back to square one. Get to put up with this shit for god knows when now.
Well if that wasnt such a fantastic beginning to my day, i come home to facebook. Log in, scroll down my news feed and stop in my tracks. Taryn, who i went to grade school thru 7th grade has a status message saying "RIP Corinne" ...ok theres only ONE corinne. the ONLY corinne. my friend corinne of forever. Known her since i moved to plainfield. was my sister practically. THIS COULDNT BE REAL LIFE...
yeah. MY corinne. MY CORINNE is gone.
What the fuck. Are you kidding me? Are you seriously joking right now? PleaSE. Nope. My corinne has left me. Im hysterical. I cannot come to terms with it. What the fuck happened? No one is saying, and i can believe no one right now. I called mom right away, her shift was almost over. I had to go to her house...had to see my second mom and dad...
Pulled up to her beautiful house in plainfield. I lived there practically...it was a block away from mine but i cut thru the yards...it was right there. It used to be a salmon colored house...definitely stoof out. The house is beautiful though...her mom loves to garden and designs yards...shes so talented. Always covered with flowers and plants and the house is a victorion style which is now painted a different color....but its gorgeous...plants all in bloom....the backyard is beautiful too covered in mature trees....i spent so much time there. I was part of that family for so long....
We walk up and im shaking and im crying. My corinne. Her dad answers the door and just looks at me completley complacent but shaking. We just held each other and i balled and balled..just held him tight like i would do to my dad. Then mom came to the door and she lost it. I held her too. Couldnt say much of anything my body wouldnt let me. Oh my god her parents... i felt bad for being there but i knew it was ok to be there. Mom came with me. Not much was said...her mom left to go upstairs she couldnt handle being down there...and i sat with her dad on the same couches that have been there in the beautiful front room that was always breezy and shaded....i just hugged his arm and sat on the couch and cried there. Her dad was always comforting...i always liked him he was silly and loving. Her aunt dawn was there which i loved growing up..she was the cool aunt. Her and my mom were whisper talking. I heard my mom ask what happened and aunt dawn WOULD NOT say....
corinne...what happened??? God dammit what happened to you? YOU ARE A FUCKING BEAUTIFUL PERSON. TO THIS DAY WE WERE STILL FRIENDS.
God must have needed you...he needed your angelic existence. Im hoping to god that ione of the last things you heard me say to you was i love you. We go way back girl...
You were like the second person i met when i moved in....pretty much friends ever since then. So many sleepovers...staying up super late play Ready Set Spaghetti and playing with legos...whatever i had you had to have and when you got something i wanted it too! We were always up to something...traveling in the depths of your backyard through trees...playing in the creek...picking flowers. We were always swinging in my backyard and making movies and playing in my basement playing resturant...and the barbies...oh the barbies...
You had your dollhouse that i loved so mcuh that your grandpa built for you...we would drag trashbags of barbies to each others houses and go nuts...we had so much! We never got sick of them. I still have one of your ken dolls even. We grew up togther...found stuff out about life. Got bothered by chad all the time...always wanted to destroy our barbies lives with his gi joes...always just wanted to bother us. I remember the one time we were all in the basement and made up dances to songs. You had the trampoline too we always played on that and then you got a pool.. i didnt even come home for dinner half the time. We seriously spent whole summers doing things together. Went to school...so excited that finally in fifth grade we got to be in the same class! We experienced most of middle school togther...getting ready for dances with eyeshadow and glitter...listening to robyn and tlc. You didnt need makeup though...you were so pretty. The boys loved you! I was always jealous of how athletic you were...that was something i never had. You were so good at sports and you tried teaching me so many things that i never caught on too. I remember when i was diagnosed with diabetes and you made me a card with a frog on it...the reason i never went home for dinner is because i was never hungry and had high blood sugar...
Oh my god...remember the week that we played house all week in the fort in my backyard? I dragged out that plastic kitchen set and we had a whole house going...one time we covered the fort in plstic while there was a huge rainstorm and we stayed out there while it rained. You stuck up for me on the bus when the boys were being shitty...aLWAYS told me to never let people walk all over me. You introduced me to dinty moore beef stew :) I loved your family you loved mine...and minwe loved you. Even my dad...and thats soemthing because my dad only liked so many of my friends.
I hated to move away. It wasnt far but it was still too far. I had a birthday party the year after i moved in and only a couple people came and you were one of them. I never lost touch with you and when i could drive i still came over. I always kept track of you...i loved you. You were one of those friends i could trust and could do anything with. I didnt feel stupid around you.
Oh my god. I am so sorry this happened. And im sorry for you and right now i dont even know WHAT happened. When i find out it better not be because you wanted it to happen...it better not be because you were trying something. I know you. You liked extremes...and thats not bad but sometimes it wasnt good either.
There is a definite puncture wound in my heart. My eyes are bloodshot from crying, theres makeup all over my face. Cheeks are puffy red. I have the shakes. Im going to work in the morning to pick out beautiful flowers for you...you deserve the BEST. No jewel bouquets. Trying to locate the barbie box downstairs ill try to find you a good barbie to take with you. I found one but shes naked...maybe i can run by and fiund an outfit for her that resembles more something you would wear...
I hope you are up there listening right now...in fact i know you are. Say hi to dad for me...keep him company...ill try to keep your dad company down here. Crystal is coming tomarrow too...our trio...she feels horrible please forgive and forget whatever was going on.
I would give anything to hug you right now...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
evaluation of this situation
Are all guys the same?
Or did i blow it before IT even started?
"Hello what the hell am I doin' here
That's a really nice suit
This is a really comfortable chair
See I don't know if you can help me or not
Cause I don't feel sick
But the pains in my head have almost put me
Underground
I don't really care if I'm healthy or not
Just clean my head up doc
I'll give you anything you want
See I don't know why I don't fall in love
Well maybe I know why and maybe you could make it stop
Then we'll cut it up and bury it and leave it
Underground
And I'll take to wishing and fall under
Sleeping safe and sound
Just give me medicine prescribe me anything
Just knock me out and walk me through the door
I have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore
Hello what the hell are you doing here
You made a really strange face
This is a really uncomfortable air
I see I'm boring you, maybe I bore myself too
That's why I need help, I'm cleaning blood off dusty shelves
I been cut up in this room so many times it might take days
And those stress cracks in the wood
How nicely the soak up the stains
Been telling myself these jokes for so long well so long
I'm a has been who is heckled on the stage"
Or did i blow it before IT even started?
"Hello what the hell am I doin' here
That's a really nice suit
This is a really comfortable chair
See I don't know if you can help me or not
Cause I don't feel sick
But the pains in my head have almost put me
Underground
I don't really care if I'm healthy or not
Just clean my head up doc
I'll give you anything you want
See I don't know why I don't fall in love
Well maybe I know why and maybe you could make it stop
Then we'll cut it up and bury it and leave it
Underground
And I'll take to wishing and fall under
Sleeping safe and sound
Just give me medicine prescribe me anything
Just knock me out and walk me through the door
I have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore
Hello what the hell are you doing here
You made a really strange face
This is a really uncomfortable air
I see I'm boring you, maybe I bore myself too
That's why I need help, I'm cleaning blood off dusty shelves
I been cut up in this room so many times it might take days
And those stress cracks in the wood
How nicely the soak up the stains
Been telling myself these jokes for so long well so long
I'm a has been who is heckled on the stage"
rebirth
wow. what a day. a weird day...a day of enlightenment and realization. Im glad that i had brittany to help me because i feel today would of just been another one of my straigtening up days for my room where i basically just reorganize the same shit ive been holding on to for years and for what exactly? I hauled about 9 trash bags of things out of my room. Total crap. Things from my previous years that have no meaning to keep really...things that were nice at the moment but need to just not exist in my presence. And we talked about alot of things. Things that i dont feel i can talk about with much others...probably no one at all. I feel accomplished in so many ways...ways people know and ways i refuse to tell. But things are changing. And i like it i think.
I even got rid of "the notes" These notes were a really mean joke that got played on me in 7th grade. One day a crush i had wrote how he was asking me out and sorry he was so mean to me and that he kept it a secret that he liked me so long. When you are young like that a have a crush...yeah its real. I freaked. I didnt know what to do...but you now what? I was excited...and i was happy. It was a fairytale ok? MY fucking fairytale...
The next day on the bus i got another note...it said he had a girlfriend and laughed at me in the note. Told me how annoying i was. Told me how i couldnt get it through my head that he didnt like me. He told me he would never ever go out with me ever...
I kept these notes. They were hardly paper...they were soft from being everywhere with me. Why did i keep these two pieces of paper? For so many years? I even told Brittany how this was probably the first time i had been so embarrassed i wanted to die. I honestly did not care at that moment that i lived another day. I had felt utter true humiliation. But yet these pieces of paper still existed...why?
I have no clue.
I even debated on pitching them. Brittany did not stutter when she said throw them away.
I did it.
I even got rid of "the notes" These notes were a really mean joke that got played on me in 7th grade. One day a crush i had wrote how he was asking me out and sorry he was so mean to me and that he kept it a secret that he liked me so long. When you are young like that a have a crush...yeah its real. I freaked. I didnt know what to do...but you now what? I was excited...and i was happy. It was a fairytale ok? MY fucking fairytale...
The next day on the bus i got another note...it said he had a girlfriend and laughed at me in the note. Told me how annoying i was. Told me how i couldnt get it through my head that he didnt like me. He told me he would never ever go out with me ever...
I kept these notes. They were hardly paper...they were soft from being everywhere with me. Why did i keep these two pieces of paper? For so many years? I even told Brittany how this was probably the first time i had been so embarrassed i wanted to die. I honestly did not care at that moment that i lived another day. I had felt utter true humiliation. But yet these pieces of paper still existed...why?
I have no clue.
I even debated on pitching them. Brittany did not stutter when she said throw them away.
I did it.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
How much will i try to erase today?
I was supposed to start decluttering my room about 10:00 am. Typical ashley slept through my alarm then tried to put it off and then ended up telling brittany i dont think i could get out of bed. I seriously couldnt. I was so exhausted from god knows what that i didnt even hang up the phone call and already was asleep again. This is the stuff i have to overcome. Eventually i woke up, brushed my hair, ate something, and called her back because i cant do this anymore...yesterday i was so sick i couldnt stand upright and furthermore couldnt go to work. Couldnt drive there, couldnt even put an outfit togther and couldnt even see straight. I slept the whole day. WHOLE DAY. I just lacked any type of energy. I couldnt even make something to eat for myself.
Well...im up now. Its almost three in the afternoon but im up and ready to start on my room. Going to pick up Brittany momemtarily. I wanted to go out tonight with someone but im too late... hes busy already. Ugh, Ouch.
this was sophmore or junior year of highschool...cant really remember...all i do remember is thats a real smile
Well...im up now. Its almost three in the afternoon but im up and ready to start on my room. Going to pick up Brittany momemtarily. I wanted to go out tonight with someone but im too late... hes busy already. Ugh, Ouch.
this was sophmore or junior year of highschool...cant really remember...all i do remember is thats a real smile
Monday, May 10, 2010
portfolio: the project
I need to put together a portfolio. I am the next big thing in flowers! Hah...not really... but i know im damn good at what i do and its getting to the point where i need to move on if i want to continue being serious about staying with this profession. Im glad that i didnt turn back around though...i say that meaning when i was getting started in all of this flower biz i felt like i just wasnt getting the knack of being a floral designer. Theres ALOT that comes with this title...i truly feel you cannot have this title if you cant live up to it! One of the first people i dealt with in the floral industry was Elaine Mueller of Delaines minooka florist and she CONSTANTLY said "You either have it....or you dont!" She was so right. Furthermore she always said she knew i had it. I wanted to just forget it many times. I couldnt make a bow right or green right or get placements right for anything. I know im artsy what the hell is wrong im thinking...
i guess i just kept ignoring it and working hard to get to the next level. I followed the same oath many of the most excellent designers had to follow though.
Im obsessed with anything flowers though. And i feel my thought process about floral design makes me the designer i am. I am NOT perfect...but ANY means...nor exact. And it just so happens flowers and plants are NOT perfect. I love it! I feel little quirks make the design that much better! I love botanical. I love earthy. I LOVE contrast...lights against darks...tucking in darks way in to make your lights POP. I love line...the way things curve naturally or the way you can manipulate your lines and make your eyes glide throughtout your piece. I love repetition where i can repeat elements in different ways and forms throughout my piece tying the whole thing togther. I love color...my god do i love color. I have to be my own fan when i say i can put togther colors like no other. I feel placing unexpected colors together is key to interest. Using color schemes...monobotanical arrangements, monochromatics. Opposites...ajacents...neuutrals... I believe black and white is just as interesting as anyhting else i can put together. Shock and drama...so opposite on the color scale but so well together. I love anything earth elements like twigs and leaves...pods...vines...roots...moss. I love shapes...curving the materials to make the piece flow all one way! Texture is big...fine textures against thick ones...softs and hards..shapely patterns and clean lines...dramatic outlines and forms. I feel like you cant plan design....you need to assess your situation and evaluate your materials at hand. I have to look around and see what i have to work weith and thats when i get my ideas. I cant plan them no way! Once i can catalog whats in the shop for the day i know what ive seen and can then piece togther what works togther. I put things together as naturally as my situation allows...if its imperfect its perfect to me!
This past year at my job now has really allowed me to mature my design. Letting me get my hands on pretty much anything this company makes available to me has allowed me to express all the things that dazzle me. I just love the feeling when someone stops and takes the time to study what ive made...when they actually let there eyes wander through a piece i make or simply just fall in love with the look. I love emotion. I am an emotional person. I just simply love happiness and love to make people happy with things i make. I feel my job is done when i bride can cry over her wedding flowers.
I need to capture what ive created...all together. It needs to be compiled! I have so many pictures on the laptop i need to get them all in one place and get them in print!
i love to just go nuts.
I am in love with bold and deep colors. Natural elements are my best friends
Shapes and textures!
This one takes your eyes for a ride. And a lot of elements and ideas are repeated. I love it...curvacious <3
completely crazy!
well...im tired and in need of a snack. My eating seems to be doing alright lately...but im pushing into the danger zone here of getting little to know sleep. Im not a hundred percent yet...and like brittany said no one is! But i see the results starting within me and that just transforms into motivation once i see progress.
I talked to nick tonight. I probably overwhlemed the converstation a little..i was just gabbing away. BUt the extremely excellent thing about him is he doesnt mind and lets me be me....
i guess i just kept ignoring it and working hard to get to the next level. I followed the same oath many of the most excellent designers had to follow though.
Im obsessed with anything flowers though. And i feel my thought process about floral design makes me the designer i am. I am NOT perfect...but ANY means...nor exact. And it just so happens flowers and plants are NOT perfect. I love it! I feel little quirks make the design that much better! I love botanical. I love earthy. I LOVE contrast...lights against darks...tucking in darks way in to make your lights POP. I love line...the way things curve naturally or the way you can manipulate your lines and make your eyes glide throughtout your piece. I love repetition where i can repeat elements in different ways and forms throughout my piece tying the whole thing togther. I love color...my god do i love color. I have to be my own fan when i say i can put togther colors like no other. I feel placing unexpected colors together is key to interest. Using color schemes...monobotanical arrangements, monochromatics. Opposites...ajacents...neuutrals... I believe black and white is just as interesting as anyhting else i can put together. Shock and drama...so opposite on the color scale but so well together. I love anything earth elements like twigs and leaves...pods...vines...roots...moss. I love shapes...curving the materials to make the piece flow all one way! Texture is big...fine textures against thick ones...softs and hards..shapely patterns and clean lines...dramatic outlines and forms. I feel like you cant plan design....you need to assess your situation and evaluate your materials at hand. I have to look around and see what i have to work weith and thats when i get my ideas. I cant plan them no way! Once i can catalog whats in the shop for the day i know what ive seen and can then piece togther what works togther. I put things together as naturally as my situation allows...if its imperfect its perfect to me!
This past year at my job now has really allowed me to mature my design. Letting me get my hands on pretty much anything this company makes available to me has allowed me to express all the things that dazzle me. I just love the feeling when someone stops and takes the time to study what ive made...when they actually let there eyes wander through a piece i make or simply just fall in love with the look. I love emotion. I am an emotional person. I just simply love happiness and love to make people happy with things i make. I feel my job is done when i bride can cry over her wedding flowers.
I need to capture what ive created...all together. It needs to be compiled! I have so many pictures on the laptop i need to get them all in one place and get them in print!
i love to just go nuts.
I am in love with bold and deep colors. Natural elements are my best friends
Shapes and textures!
This one takes your eyes for a ride. And a lot of elements and ideas are repeated. I love it...curvacious <3
completely crazy!
well...im tired and in need of a snack. My eating seems to be doing alright lately...but im pushing into the danger zone here of getting little to know sleep. Im not a hundred percent yet...and like brittany said no one is! But i see the results starting within me and that just transforms into motivation once i see progress.
I talked to nick tonight. I probably overwhlemed the converstation a little..i was just gabbing away. BUt the extremely excellent thing about him is he doesnt mind and lets me be me....
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