Well...here i am...4:07 am... wired...not tired. Traffic is heavy in my head.
Didnt have such a productive day. The absense of sunshine and the rain made it difficult to stay awake. I wanted to get a bunch of stuff done in my room...but it never happened. Maybe sunday. Hopefully it sucks outside on sunday so i can accomplish what i want to.
Its also weighing on me that THREE YEARS AGO TODAY was the LAST day i would ever see Dad alive. Oh my god. I hate thinking about it. BUt its true. I am more than ever thankful the last words he heard from me were "I love you" and i hope he thought about that the next day. Im dying to think that. I am in so much pain. I am. I hurt. The strength to get through this is within me though,,,its like searching for the holy grail though. Ugh. And you know...i would love it if every once and a while ONE of the few friends i have would try to take me out and try to get me to lighten up a bit. God dammit. It didnt know it was that hard to cheer up a friend. I always seem to be there to make someone smile or listen when needed. Fucking sucks to realize i just dont have friends that are anything like me in that aspect. If i do...speak up you know?...
I think about that every day now too...where are some people that would bend over backwards for me every now and then? It upsets me. I would give so much for that. I know im a pretty good friend and person. Right? I KNOW i am. TOO good sometimes..
Well i guess this is me realizing to stop being the fucking doormat. Until someone out there starts metting me halfway i REALLY need to just keep to myself...be selfish...focus on ME! I need to be here for a while as far as i know so why not work on myself?
I left the other day from home and didnt put my seatbelt on until i was halfway to my destination. I wanted something to happen to me i think. Then i thought of my mom and nikki. I clicked the seatbelt in.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Wasting my days
Today i could of accomplished alot but...surprise surprise..i slept most of my day away. Probably making up for those three days in a row i stayed up? Sucks. I dont choose to do things like that. I just cant overcome the sleepyness yet. Had a dream regarding the shitty move my friend made the other day which is STILL eating at me...the dream was really humourous though. Yesterday was basically the same story...didnt accomplish much...got up at 1 in the afternoon and it was gorgeous out. But the power of how tired i was took over and ruined my day. I actually need to lay down now before i start this wrist corsage for a friend...should of did it yesterday. Ugh.
One friend owes me a sum of money that was supposed to be paid in March. Its seriously eating away at me. Im going to have to start going into bitch overload by next week and starting with text blackmail...he does not want me to do this. Just sayin'.
One friend owes me a sum of money that was supposed to be paid in March. Its seriously eating away at me. Im going to have to start going into bitch overload by next week and starting with text blackmail...he does not want me to do this. Just sayin'.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
i knew it
I knew i would be back at least once before i attempt sleep. Here i am...5:03 am...on my day off mind you. Of course checking my facebook for god knows what i dont know. Ive gravitated up into my bedroom...
...and what a clusterfuck it is in here. Ugh. Hopefully im up around 10 without any lag because id like to get SOMETHING accomplished today. This is a real problem for me...to finish things. I am a die hard procrastinator at that too...and i really hate myself for it. I have jewelery that ive been untangling for months on my vanity and and closet that needs emptying of the unused. Drawers full of random clutter that are dying to be sifted through. Pieces of me everywhere. I am reflected through "things". Im surrounded by them in here...and this may be a lethal problem. Boy do i have a lot of "things". Things are items...stuff of physical substance that have weight and shape and texture. I just collect a lot? Maybe. Im not stupid with myself though. I believe a lot of these things have been pathetic attempts to make myself feel better...
...and theres a lot of things in here...
...so why am i STILL empty?
Ugh. I am so much like my dad. Sometimes just way too much. Tonight i was in the basement again...yet another clusterfuck in the house. Mounds of things are in the basement...my dads "things" ...HOARDS of things...NUMBERS of things...collections, multiples of things. Things that Dad bought to make HIM happy. He is all over tha basement reflected throughtout it. Oh my fucking god i miss him. As im down there i see his struggle. People on the outside go down there and see just a lot of stuff. I see my dads world. His sickness. His temporary happiness. He tried. He fucking tried i know he did. The value of having him be here with me again is absolutely fucking priceless.
This writing thing is working.
I can analyze shit. I see my tangled web of worries in straight, readable lines now. Im praying this works.
Well now ive really established i have to get this room in order.Ive been AWARE it needs to happen but im struggling with alot. I TRY to come up here and start to do something but my mind wanders too fucking quickly. I think well maybe a friend could help me?..... Yeah. Friend. What friends? This has been a touchy subject lately. Man. I would give anything to have that best friend thing again. Just one solid concrete rock of a person you know? I know that i do know a lot of good people...do not get me wrong. Lately i have just felt so god damn alone. SOOOOO god damn alone. And as much as i try not to appear desperate for someone...ANYONE to be around...its not fooling anyone. And i even come out and admit to it more and more frequently when i do have the chance to hang around another person for a short while lately. And i also think lately...the phone really does work two ways. If they really give a good fuck to call me they will. Needless to say my phone has been pretty quiet.
...and maybe i dont blame some people. I have had some negetive things to say lately. But can you honestly blame me? Especially for the date i never want to come. It haunts me. I see it everywhere...all year around everywhere...everywhere i look i swear April 26th is the day thats sticking its middle finger in my face. The date the ultimately shattered me. Thats the last game of ultimate-blows-to-the-face poker i wanna play jesus...ive lied my cards on the table. Fold.
I trailed off...oh yes...this room. Things need to go. I am truly a packrat. Thanks Dad. I cant throw anything away...I save so much. And its weighing me down. I need to subtract, not add as mom says...and ive been doing good. Not taking every piece of something savable home with me. Curbing my spending...and this is hard because of being bipolar. Shopping binges are vicious...and will be the death of me. Because looking as this room i should think im the happiest little woman in the universe...so why do i feel like collasping at my seams? Duh Ash...these methods are not the answer. Obviously. But i know that ive always been collecting things and aquiring neat objects. Its not a bad thing to a certain extent...it makes me the quirky and awesome person I KNOW i am. But i just look at some of the things i have and know why they are sitting in my room right now...and they have provided me with that desired emotion.
Oh what am i going to do? How am i going to do this? So much needs to be done. I need an answer...and i need to quit looking for it. Its been sitting in the same place the whole time...its inside me. Look at that. That was easy...
maybe because ive organized and actually read back to myself whats really going on?
:)
Finally i feel a little tired. Its early morning...my window is cracked and i hear birds. I love the birds. Just ate one of my "foods of the month"....wheat toast with butter and strawberry jam. The "foods of the month" change...just a term i use for one of my eating trends where ill eat a couple certain foods for about a month then phase them out until i find something else i wanna eat for days in a row. Hopefully ill get a little solid sleeping in...and my goal for today is to be up by about ten... i need to accomplish going to walmart to do a bit of grocery shopping and return a tank top while im there. I was going to just exchange for a larger size but im sitting here and thinking "i really dont need it" Good job Ash.
Clearing my head a little more...work was ok today. Kept to myself...one of those days i felt unconnected mentally with my body physically. It was a roll out of bed no makeup day. Also forgot to set my alarm an hour earlier because i offered to come in earlier to help today because of secretaries day. Yeah...i felt bad about that. Tardiness is something that also needs to be eliminated from my daily existance...and im trying. I try hard too and how fucking frustrated it is for me when i keep screwing up....
Started my day ok when i arrived...had to make multiple fruitbaskets which i dislike. They are just such a pain in the ass. Ended up locking the only key we have to all the gourmet cabinents in one of the cabinents but with a team effort of Laura at work holding one of the doors open i managed to stick my hand in there and retreive the key. I wish our problems as people were as easy to solve with one simple item like a key. In a few ways i guess they are. But fuck...they are sure hard fucking keys to find. Got to make what we call a standing order at work...my favorites...big beautiful arrangments that get sent to businesses to be viewed all week. This was an account Tessla Motors..
I love doing flowers. Ugh. Obsessed. The first photo is their 50 dollar piece and the lower two is their 25 dollar piece they get every week.
Went home in a frazzled mood and slept. It was pretty breezy today or i would of broken out the hammock. Nifty item that is.
Its almost six in the morning. I can get a solid 4 hours of sleep in...hopefully my body doesnt want to keep sleeping.
xxoxoxoxoxo ash
...and what a clusterfuck it is in here. Ugh. Hopefully im up around 10 without any lag because id like to get SOMETHING accomplished today. This is a real problem for me...to finish things. I am a die hard procrastinator at that too...and i really hate myself for it. I have jewelery that ive been untangling for months on my vanity and and closet that needs emptying of the unused. Drawers full of random clutter that are dying to be sifted through. Pieces of me everywhere. I am reflected through "things". Im surrounded by them in here...and this may be a lethal problem. Boy do i have a lot of "things". Things are items...stuff of physical substance that have weight and shape and texture. I just collect a lot? Maybe. Im not stupid with myself though. I believe a lot of these things have been pathetic attempts to make myself feel better...
...and theres a lot of things in here...
...so why am i STILL empty?
Ugh. I am so much like my dad. Sometimes just way too much. Tonight i was in the basement again...yet another clusterfuck in the house. Mounds of things are in the basement...my dads "things" ...HOARDS of things...NUMBERS of things...collections, multiples of things. Things that Dad bought to make HIM happy. He is all over tha basement reflected throughtout it. Oh my fucking god i miss him. As im down there i see his struggle. People on the outside go down there and see just a lot of stuff. I see my dads world. His sickness. His temporary happiness. He tried. He fucking tried i know he did. The value of having him be here with me again is absolutely fucking priceless.
This writing thing is working.
I can analyze shit. I see my tangled web of worries in straight, readable lines now. Im praying this works.
Well now ive really established i have to get this room in order.Ive been AWARE it needs to happen but im struggling with alot. I TRY to come up here and start to do something but my mind wanders too fucking quickly. I think well maybe a friend could help me?..... Yeah. Friend. What friends? This has been a touchy subject lately. Man. I would give anything to have that best friend thing again. Just one solid concrete rock of a person you know? I know that i do know a lot of good people...do not get me wrong. Lately i have just felt so god damn alone. SOOOOO god damn alone. And as much as i try not to appear desperate for someone...ANYONE to be around...its not fooling anyone. And i even come out and admit to it more and more frequently when i do have the chance to hang around another person for a short while lately. And i also think lately...the phone really does work two ways. If they really give a good fuck to call me they will. Needless to say my phone has been pretty quiet.
...and maybe i dont blame some people. I have had some negetive things to say lately. But can you honestly blame me? Especially for the date i never want to come. It haunts me. I see it everywhere...all year around everywhere...everywhere i look i swear April 26th is the day thats sticking its middle finger in my face. The date the ultimately shattered me. Thats the last game of ultimate-blows-to-the-face poker i wanna play jesus...ive lied my cards on the table. Fold.
I trailed off...oh yes...this room. Things need to go. I am truly a packrat. Thanks Dad. I cant throw anything away...I save so much. And its weighing me down. I need to subtract, not add as mom says...and ive been doing good. Not taking every piece of something savable home with me. Curbing my spending...and this is hard because of being bipolar. Shopping binges are vicious...and will be the death of me. Because looking as this room i should think im the happiest little woman in the universe...so why do i feel like collasping at my seams? Duh Ash...these methods are not the answer. Obviously. But i know that ive always been collecting things and aquiring neat objects. Its not a bad thing to a certain extent...it makes me the quirky and awesome person I KNOW i am. But i just look at some of the things i have and know why they are sitting in my room right now...and they have provided me with that desired emotion.
Oh what am i going to do? How am i going to do this? So much needs to be done. I need an answer...and i need to quit looking for it. Its been sitting in the same place the whole time...its inside me. Look at that. That was easy...
maybe because ive organized and actually read back to myself whats really going on?
:)
Finally i feel a little tired. Its early morning...my window is cracked and i hear birds. I love the birds. Just ate one of my "foods of the month"....wheat toast with butter and strawberry jam. The "foods of the month" change...just a term i use for one of my eating trends where ill eat a couple certain foods for about a month then phase them out until i find something else i wanna eat for days in a row. Hopefully ill get a little solid sleeping in...and my goal for today is to be up by about ten... i need to accomplish going to walmart to do a bit of grocery shopping and return a tank top while im there. I was going to just exchange for a larger size but im sitting here and thinking "i really dont need it" Good job Ash.
Clearing my head a little more...work was ok today. Kept to myself...one of those days i felt unconnected mentally with my body physically. It was a roll out of bed no makeup day. Also forgot to set my alarm an hour earlier because i offered to come in earlier to help today because of secretaries day. Yeah...i felt bad about that. Tardiness is something that also needs to be eliminated from my daily existance...and im trying. I try hard too and how fucking frustrated it is for me when i keep screwing up....
Started my day ok when i arrived...had to make multiple fruitbaskets which i dislike. They are just such a pain in the ass. Ended up locking the only key we have to all the gourmet cabinents in one of the cabinents but with a team effort of Laura at work holding one of the doors open i managed to stick my hand in there and retreive the key. I wish our problems as people were as easy to solve with one simple item like a key. In a few ways i guess they are. But fuck...they are sure hard fucking keys to find. Got to make what we call a standing order at work...my favorites...big beautiful arrangments that get sent to businesses to be viewed all week. This was an account Tessla Motors..
I love doing flowers. Ugh. Obsessed. The first photo is their 50 dollar piece and the lower two is their 25 dollar piece they get every week.
Went home in a frazzled mood and slept. It was pretty breezy today or i would of broken out the hammock. Nifty item that is.
Its almost six in the morning. I can get a solid 4 hours of sleep in...hopefully my body doesnt want to keep sleeping.
xxoxoxoxoxo ash
Let's see if this is going to work...
Well. Here i am. Back to writing...every day? Every hour? Every week? Never again? Who knows...im searching for stability right now. Thats the word of the day. Stability. I search for it constantly. Oh...and Im Ashley. Ashley Burns. And this is my blog. I hate that word. I havent written religiously in something since i was 17....oh how i miss my xanga....
Its 2:49 am and im starting a blog? Well...its not like im going to lie down and sleep right? I can never sleep sometimes...sometimes days in a row...and then sometimes ill sleep all damn day...youd have to poke me with a stun gun to get me up. This week ive had a day where i slept until 5 in the afternoon...then i stayed up for three days in a row basically. Well...maybe id get some shut eye if i could stop thinking so much. And this is what im trying to serve the purpose for.
If only everyone knew all the thoughts racing through my mind everyday they might be sick. Or intrigued? My mind is so full...its hard to maintain at times and other times i think i ignore it which are the times i believe my bipolarness is on the "up"....which is when im not thinking hardly at all.
I feel i have not been a normal human being since i was 16. I feel i wasnt a normal 16 year old for long. In fact only for a couple months. I feel my "wrong place at the wrong time" presence in a car accident spiraled my loss of normality and stability out of control from that July afternoon on. And in all actuality i feel i was doomed from the beginning in which i have been learning about for the past three years....
Im sure if you know Ashley Burns you know what happened to her. Yeah. And you know what i repeatedly apoligize to people from bringing it up in my everyday interactions but you know what? ITS WHATS GOING ON IN MY LIFE. THIS IS MY REALITY. THIS IS MY LIFE...MY PRESENT TENSE. This is another purpose i am going to strive for this blog to accomplish which is trying not to overwhelm those around me. Deep down i feel that isnt even my responsibility considering the situation...but i have been absolutely BLOWN the FUCK away the past few years learning about humans and friends and most of all FAMILY. Man...i would give an arm or a leg to have known what absolutely skullfucked human beings i have in my bloodline. Sorry... back to the point of this paragraph....
I MISS MY DAD. HOW MUCH LOUDER DO I HAVE TO SCREAM.
Im a broken record but you know what? YOU try taking one of the most important and loved people in your life...having them vanish and have them never to return ever. Go from thinking your life is without retooling at the moment then the next your father never returned home last night. Try it. I dare you. See how put togther you are after something like this...
Ha. Yet another purpose this blog can serve...helping me overcome this .00001 percent everyday for a while. My head is not that big. And neither is my body. I cannot keep as much shit compiled inside myself on a daily basis. I need to pour it out more often than i can see my wonderful therepist....
And that sort of brings me to a summary of my past month...i am OVER EXCITED to have my therepist back on my health insurance. WIN. He was taken away from me as fast as me blinking...i have never been able to truly trust anyone like him until his recent return into my life about a month ago. 2010...things are going to change for me. Im dying for them to or they will just about kill me. But after everything i say BRING IT.
DEATH...I AM SIMPLY NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE.
Im just not. Take me please. Whether it be a freak accident or a sudden virus that eats me away. A heart attack, a car accident....im ready. Dad my soul is ready to meet yours again. YOU LEFT ME HERE.....
These past three years have been just remarkable...and im not using that term in such a fantastic way. Ive learned so much. I beat myself up almost every day knowing it took my father to pass away to piece togther everything i never understood about my life. Why some things just simply didnt make sense at all. It pains me almost everyday as well to think of things i missed, things i should have noticed, and just thinking how much i struggle to reach that stability back in my life. Well...we will see. Im aware of my surroundings, my capabilities, where my relationships stand, and also just trying to mold myself into the completed, connected adult i should have every right to live as. Everyday im desperately trying to rise out of the ashes and become a phoenix....
Its not so easy. Not easy at all. Not when you are me. If only you could put yourself into my worn out Target zebra flats for one day, i wonder just how you would feel. And likewise...i woudl give my life to know what it feels like to put myself into someone elses shoes with day to day stability. Im not looking for perfection here. And thats why i love flowers. They arent perfect. Imperfection is perfection in my opinion. But im not even imperfect at this point. Im a god damn catastrophe inching my way through this mission we all have...overfocusing on the .0001 percent progress i may make and stalling once again. Im one of those 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles with groups of pieces put togther in different parts of the room...but no where near even a quarter of the way finish.
Help. I realize most of this will HAVE to come from within myself. HAVE TO. Im not happy about it but i certainly believ it 100 percent. Ever since DAD people who i NEVER thought would desert me in my life have vanished. I am completely dumbfounded by this. Ive also shunned my dads side of the family from my life. Floored i was when i learned everything i did about those disgusting beings. And a side note...i dont include a select few from that side of the family in that description but about 98 percent of them. This can all be explained later.
...but back to help...im going to be 24 years old in may. Yeah...Ash...you ARE an adult. I almost laugh and cry at the same time when i think about the thousand people who fed me the line of bullshit of "being there for me" when this all happened. People like my ex Billy who awkwardly connected with my father somewhat while we were dating, came to my father's wake, told me if i needed anything to call him but has had no contact with me and has deleted me off facebook because his buddy Matt told me i walk around trying to make people feel sorry for me over this and i know that Billy shares many of the same opinions as him. Im not stupid. I remember how Billy is. What a slap in the face. Or like my friend Jessica who i basically have been friends with since i moved to Channahon in 1999...inseperable for years...best friends...sleepovers hanging out...summers togther and all...actually blocking me from any contact with her because i was not present for her first prenancy...claiming i was not "there for her enough". During this time were the last months my father was alive and living and breathing in front of me. His last months were not pleasant ones...i could sense the winds of chnage. It was amminent in my house. The vibes were, negetive, hostile, uncomfortable...to the edge. i even recall telling my therepist that things were at a hostile point in my house. I wasnt allowed to go many place or do many things because of my dads terrible moods and anger. And this is the time Jessica needed me to be there for her pregnancy...i believe the phone works both ways too... I get extremely upset when i think about this situation but you know what...good for her. Good for fucking Jessica. Why would she have to worry about me? She has everything...she has a father of flesh and blood on this earth that she can hug, and touch, and talk to.
The things i would do for stability. THE THINGS. BUT...im working on it. Im going to do it in 2010. From 16 on i have been on a beaten path. I think about that exact day where i believe my downward spiral begun....too much. I remember it all. And im the ONLY one who knows what happened throughout the whole accident. That day is when i fell to ashes....ashley to ashes...dust to dust. But Dad lit me on fire years before that but i would of never known.
I like this writing business actually. Hah...but this is only my first post. I start things and sometimes dont ever finish them...or maintain them. I do hate myself for that of course. But like ive been saying...enough is enough. Im hoping there will be very few and between posts after midnight because ill be trying to strive for stability...schedule...normaility...tranquility...peace. I WILL BE THE PHOENIX. I WANT TO BE THE PHOENIX. FUCKIN DAMMIT.
I wonder how many of you will actually get to the bottom of this post. No...you dont get a cookie OR a bozo button. This blog is mine. My journal...my outlet...the therepist away from the therepist. I dont give a shit about puncuation or spelling. Or content. This is where i will unload. And im making it totally public although i will STILL take some of the things in my head to the grave. I feel there are many many many misconceptions about Miss Ashley D. Burns the first and thats a really big stressor for me. I feel like im going fucking nuts to be honest when someone has the wrong idea about me. Or doesnt understand me. Or doesnt really know me. Honestly..though...its ok if you dont like me i cant make you. At least UNDERSTAND me and the TRUTH about me and whats going on with me. Level with me. And i believe one of the biggest misconceptions about me is i dont look for sympathy. I dont need it...you choose to sympathize. What i almost beg for though is just a clear understanding of myself.
So we will see. Im hypothesizing...this will serve as an excellent therepy for me. And no one is making you read this...you can choose to or just never return to this. I think im going to like it. Im going to try to add this to my daily existance...haha...i say existance because a routine does not exist yet in my life. I actually feel better now. Thoughts run back and forth through my head all day and a lot of the time they never leave my head...i feel overwhelmed 98 percent of the time...maybe writing will even make my problems not seem so sticky anymore once ive layed them out into visable sentences in front of me. Wouldnt that be nice for myself...sunnier mornings...energy boosts for my day...greener grass...easier air to breathe....
Ive been bogged down for too long. Missed out on some of the better things in life. because im just but a shell of a girl sometimes....trying to simply stay awake and breathe right some days....
Here we go.
xoxoxoxo ash
Its 2:49 am and im starting a blog? Well...its not like im going to lie down and sleep right? I can never sleep sometimes...sometimes days in a row...and then sometimes ill sleep all damn day...youd have to poke me with a stun gun to get me up. This week ive had a day where i slept until 5 in the afternoon...then i stayed up for three days in a row basically. Well...maybe id get some shut eye if i could stop thinking so much. And this is what im trying to serve the purpose for.
If only everyone knew all the thoughts racing through my mind everyday they might be sick. Or intrigued? My mind is so full...its hard to maintain at times and other times i think i ignore it which are the times i believe my bipolarness is on the "up"....which is when im not thinking hardly at all.
I feel i have not been a normal human being since i was 16. I feel i wasnt a normal 16 year old for long. In fact only for a couple months. I feel my "wrong place at the wrong time" presence in a car accident spiraled my loss of normality and stability out of control from that July afternoon on. And in all actuality i feel i was doomed from the beginning in which i have been learning about for the past three years....
Im sure if you know Ashley Burns you know what happened to her. Yeah. And you know what i repeatedly apoligize to people from bringing it up in my everyday interactions but you know what? ITS WHATS GOING ON IN MY LIFE. THIS IS MY REALITY. THIS IS MY LIFE...MY PRESENT TENSE. This is another purpose i am going to strive for this blog to accomplish which is trying not to overwhelm those around me. Deep down i feel that isnt even my responsibility considering the situation...but i have been absolutely BLOWN the FUCK away the past few years learning about humans and friends and most of all FAMILY. Man...i would give an arm or a leg to have known what absolutely skullfucked human beings i have in my bloodline. Sorry... back to the point of this paragraph....
I MISS MY DAD. HOW MUCH LOUDER DO I HAVE TO SCREAM.
Im a broken record but you know what? YOU try taking one of the most important and loved people in your life...having them vanish and have them never to return ever. Go from thinking your life is without retooling at the moment then the next your father never returned home last night. Try it. I dare you. See how put togther you are after something like this...
Ha. Yet another purpose this blog can serve...helping me overcome this .00001 percent everyday for a while. My head is not that big. And neither is my body. I cannot keep as much shit compiled inside myself on a daily basis. I need to pour it out more often than i can see my wonderful therepist....
And that sort of brings me to a summary of my past month...i am OVER EXCITED to have my therepist back on my health insurance. WIN. He was taken away from me as fast as me blinking...i have never been able to truly trust anyone like him until his recent return into my life about a month ago. 2010...things are going to change for me. Im dying for them to or they will just about kill me. But after everything i say BRING IT.
DEATH...I AM SIMPLY NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE.
Im just not. Take me please. Whether it be a freak accident or a sudden virus that eats me away. A heart attack, a car accident....im ready. Dad my soul is ready to meet yours again. YOU LEFT ME HERE.....
These past three years have been just remarkable...and im not using that term in such a fantastic way. Ive learned so much. I beat myself up almost every day knowing it took my father to pass away to piece togther everything i never understood about my life. Why some things just simply didnt make sense at all. It pains me almost everyday as well to think of things i missed, things i should have noticed, and just thinking how much i struggle to reach that stability back in my life. Well...we will see. Im aware of my surroundings, my capabilities, where my relationships stand, and also just trying to mold myself into the completed, connected adult i should have every right to live as. Everyday im desperately trying to rise out of the ashes and become a phoenix....
Its not so easy. Not easy at all. Not when you are me. If only you could put yourself into my worn out Target zebra flats for one day, i wonder just how you would feel. And likewise...i woudl give my life to know what it feels like to put myself into someone elses shoes with day to day stability. Im not looking for perfection here. And thats why i love flowers. They arent perfect. Imperfection is perfection in my opinion. But im not even imperfect at this point. Im a god damn catastrophe inching my way through this mission we all have...overfocusing on the .0001 percent progress i may make and stalling once again. Im one of those 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles with groups of pieces put togther in different parts of the room...but no where near even a quarter of the way finish.
Help. I realize most of this will HAVE to come from within myself. HAVE TO. Im not happy about it but i certainly believ it 100 percent. Ever since DAD people who i NEVER thought would desert me in my life have vanished. I am completely dumbfounded by this. Ive also shunned my dads side of the family from my life. Floored i was when i learned everything i did about those disgusting beings. And a side note...i dont include a select few from that side of the family in that description but about 98 percent of them. This can all be explained later.
...but back to help...im going to be 24 years old in may. Yeah...Ash...you ARE an adult. I almost laugh and cry at the same time when i think about the thousand people who fed me the line of bullshit of "being there for me" when this all happened. People like my ex Billy who awkwardly connected with my father somewhat while we were dating, came to my father's wake, told me if i needed anything to call him but has had no contact with me and has deleted me off facebook because his buddy Matt told me i walk around trying to make people feel sorry for me over this and i know that Billy shares many of the same opinions as him. Im not stupid. I remember how Billy is. What a slap in the face. Or like my friend Jessica who i basically have been friends with since i moved to Channahon in 1999...inseperable for years...best friends...sleepovers hanging out...summers togther and all...actually blocking me from any contact with her because i was not present for her first prenancy...claiming i was not "there for her enough". During this time were the last months my father was alive and living and breathing in front of me. His last months were not pleasant ones...i could sense the winds of chnage. It was amminent in my house. The vibes were, negetive, hostile, uncomfortable...to the edge. i even recall telling my therepist that things were at a hostile point in my house. I wasnt allowed to go many place or do many things because of my dads terrible moods and anger. And this is the time Jessica needed me to be there for her pregnancy...i believe the phone works both ways too... I get extremely upset when i think about this situation but you know what...good for her. Good for fucking Jessica. Why would she have to worry about me? She has everything...she has a father of flesh and blood on this earth that she can hug, and touch, and talk to.
The things i would do for stability. THE THINGS. BUT...im working on it. Im going to do it in 2010. From 16 on i have been on a beaten path. I think about that exact day where i believe my downward spiral begun....too much. I remember it all. And im the ONLY one who knows what happened throughout the whole accident. That day is when i fell to ashes....ashley to ashes...dust to dust. But Dad lit me on fire years before that but i would of never known.
I like this writing business actually. Hah...but this is only my first post. I start things and sometimes dont ever finish them...or maintain them. I do hate myself for that of course. But like ive been saying...enough is enough. Im hoping there will be very few and between posts after midnight because ill be trying to strive for stability...schedule...normaility...tranquility...peace. I WILL BE THE PHOENIX. I WANT TO BE THE PHOENIX. FUCKIN DAMMIT.
I wonder how many of you will actually get to the bottom of this post. No...you dont get a cookie OR a bozo button. This blog is mine. My journal...my outlet...the therepist away from the therepist. I dont give a shit about puncuation or spelling. Or content. This is where i will unload. And im making it totally public although i will STILL take some of the things in my head to the grave. I feel there are many many many misconceptions about Miss Ashley D. Burns the first and thats a really big stressor for me. I feel like im going fucking nuts to be honest when someone has the wrong idea about me. Or doesnt understand me. Or doesnt really know me. Honestly..though...its ok if you dont like me i cant make you. At least UNDERSTAND me and the TRUTH about me and whats going on with me. Level with me. And i believe one of the biggest misconceptions about me is i dont look for sympathy. I dont need it...you choose to sympathize. What i almost beg for though is just a clear understanding of myself.
So we will see. Im hypothesizing...this will serve as an excellent therepy for me. And no one is making you read this...you can choose to or just never return to this. I think im going to like it. Im going to try to add this to my daily existance...haha...i say existance because a routine does not exist yet in my life. I actually feel better now. Thoughts run back and forth through my head all day and a lot of the time they never leave my head...i feel overwhelmed 98 percent of the time...maybe writing will even make my problems not seem so sticky anymore once ive layed them out into visable sentences in front of me. Wouldnt that be nice for myself...sunnier mornings...energy boosts for my day...greener grass...easier air to breathe....
Ive been bogged down for too long. Missed out on some of the better things in life. because im just but a shell of a girl sometimes....trying to simply stay awake and breathe right some days....
Here we go.
xoxoxoxo ash
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
