Mini Mind Vacation

Okay. I knew it would happen sooner or later...that i would lose track of writing. And i did. But now i have to start again because im getting the mond build-ups again and then they are followed by mind explosions in front of people...

...these explosions arent good. Well..professionals i go to and myself think they ARE perfectly normal when i hold emotions in for so long that they finally pour out. I cant help it. And its unavoidable....but also i feel they make me feel good. But i notice the average human being sees it as a "major" freakout. Ugh. In this situation it definitely becomes me being stuck between a rock and a hard place. But honestly i just wish people would stop and assess why its happening. With that said i believe its just natural human instinct to be overwhelmed and flee a person acting like this...like when someone dies...people just simply do not know how to react.

Ugh. Anyways. Now i have my wisdom tooth out and what an ordeal it was. Its taking two weeks of bullshit. Phillips gave me the talk about low hours and health insurance last monday and then all this started and im just not happy. If i lose my insurance oh well. I had to get this taken care of.

About a month ago i also met someone really fantastic that has been a great motivation to me as far as the over wellness oh my body and mind. I met Jeanine...
...Jeanine could be my twin except shes about 30 years older than me. She has overcome the destruction of diabetes by working out at the gym...something i thought i would NEVER do. I saw her sucess story and i had to do it. I finally joined the gym. And let me tell you...endorphins are one of my favorite drugs now. I needed to do it. And im glad i did. She is scaringly like me...traits little and big about her. She has a love for birds and bird motifs. Crystals and trinkets...awesome shoes and clothes...totally in love with her feminine side. She also has helped me over mountains with being at peace with myself and reminding me i need to be happy...my happiness comes FIRST now. All about me. I need to embrace ME. Me and her support each other through similar situations that not many people are having and it feels awesome. She has definitely brought me to the next chapter in my life.

Happiness. Sad to say also last week i lost a friend. She truly believes i have been so incredibly tosic to her that she deleted me from her life. The last words she sent to me were so incredibly hurtful and ridiculous i just shrugged my shoulders and didnt really care either. She left my life. If she ever becomes ready to come back ill still be here. I dont know if she will but its not loss if she doesnt. I dont even feel like elaborating on any details of all the things i thought and the things that happened between us and the reasons why i think its absolutely absurd. Karma is a bitch. But i dont wish the worst to her. I pray that she finds HER place in the sun and she lives on. I still love her. And also that is what she told me lastly was its bullshit that i do. Its alright. No loss.

There were several people in my life recently that i felt i was so close to that up and quit on me...just like when my dad died. But i feel i found strength to not care if they feel im just so out of control for them. And i could go on about how theyve hurt me too but ive put up with it. I just dont give a fuck anymore about it. Im stick of trying to stick up for myself and cover my ass when im in an argument. Ive definitely been friends with the complete wrong people for me.


I feel June was a groundbreaking month. I did a couplke things this month ive never done before and its just opened my eyes and simplified things for me. Slowly ive felt myself dropping back in my body. These past two years i felt like ive been coasting in a spot of the universe that hasnt felt real...real as in me like 5 or so years ago. I keep telling myself "Im going to be oikay somebody i swear" Im definitely one of those 1,500 piece jigsaw puzzles that got kncoked off a card table half finished....
....you cant put togther one of those things at a party. Too many drunk people walking around with not a care in the world. I know now that this is an independant project i have to complete by myself.

...so here i go.

nothing more.

i dont have to say right now. i said it all, this pitcher is empty at the moment...

time to put it in the diswasher...adding dish soap now...

i know im leaving the weekend knowing the meaning of a psychopath and a sociopath and a whole journey ahead of me.

pressing the "on" button

waking up from a week long nap

Alright...my internal alarm just went off i think...im finally awake. ITS FUCKING SUNDAY WHAT THE HELL...

last week was my birthday week...the week that i wait for all year because deep down i just love something to be truly all about me and so rightly so...
yeah. didnt turn out that way at ALL. ive been concious...but also ive been the most sick and the most moody ive been in a loooonnnng time. TOO MUCH THINKING. TOO MUCH STRESS. TOO MUCH UPSET STOMACH.

I honestly think i fucked myself by just constantly worrying ALL WEEK something was going to be wrong and everyday this week there was!

I have to conclude that if you really worry something is going to go wrong...IT WILL.

The only day that went right i believe was monday! I felt like my new, productive self and work went fine. Oh wait..yeah. Monday night i set myself up for failure because once again i was dressed up with nowhere to go and waitng for a phone cAll that repeatedly never comes. Sigh. Times i do that i want to kick my own teeth in because that means i failed again at building my hopes up for the usual buzzkill. I HATE the buzzkill...yet again and again i leave myself open for it. WHERE the fuck am i ever goinbg to get the power to not give a fuck anymore?
WHERE?

Tuesday was a lazy day...it wasnt bad but it wasnt at all productive. A lot of worrying thaT my birthday was going to go unnoticed by my "friends". Every year...every god damn year i want my birthday to be completely AWESOME. I just want to be aurrounded by people that care about me...or at least people who can act like they do. Im not trusting alot of people that much lately...and im talking about the ones that appear to be closest to me.

Wednesday...ahhh. My BIRTHDAY! I actually felt GREAT at work...it was awesome...not going to lie...i felt loved and appreciated. Most of the feeling i just strive for. Jeanie made me an awesome no sugar added carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, and i got sugar free chocolate too! The new girl Betsy made me sugar cookies and she kept appoligizing she didnt know i was diabetic :D. Haha i dont even care...someone had me on their mind and was making me something for my birthday...so awesome. Carole got me a super cute feather headband and the owner's wife Sandy even made me hot artichoke dip with cheese which was none the less AMAZING! For the place that i think doesnt really care about me as a human being they sure made me feel like i mattered.
Came home and mom got me my favorite pie ever..lemon supreme and "brithday chicken salad" LOL. Heres wehre the worrying started...
As soon as i ate i started worrying about my stomach and having to be locked in a caR FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME. I feel if i didnt worry the whole time i was in that van i wouldnt of been so sick.

So i spent the lot of the rest of the day silent, worried, humilated, and embarrssed. And as sick as can be.

God...could you have please put that on hold till the next day? Who do i have to kiss ass to get ONE FUCKING worry free, sick free day around here? Ithink out of some of the good deeds i do i should be allowed one or eight million.

Well, on the bright side...brittany put togther this amazing photo album of pictures of me and her and i cried when i read the words it said. We were supposed to take more pictures that day to put in there. As of now i see ONE exists and im in the bottom corner of it. Yeah. I feel so shitty about that....
Mastodon none the less blew my mind away. One of those bands that groove so hard i get lost in the feeling of the sound. Second best concert i have ever been to.
Kaley got me a bag of awesome gifts also...that was so nice and each of them were totally me. These are the things i wait for in life..for my love to be reciprocated from the ones i love.

Thursday couldnt of sucked anymore than it did...went to work late because my stomach would not let me function as a member of society. Thanks. Im looking greater and greater everyday to that company as an awesome employee. The thing is if they could be me for one fucking I honestly believe the6y could not handle it.

Friday was a bust. Worked and wasted my night sleeping. I felt like i hadnt sleep in months. Its ok...no one made any effort to acknowledge my existence so.

Saturday could of just as well be erased from my life history. Sick to the point of passing out. Slept most of the day again. Sick at night. Alex Ilg took me to ihop though and took awesome care of me. He really had true and nice things to say about me. He was the postive influence i needed.

Which brings me to sunday...today i looked in the mirror and said here i am earth...im back. I have to turn things around this week. I HAVE TO GET AN APPOINTMENT ASAP WITH DR SPADONI. I fucking missed that appointment monday...how the fuck could i do that to myself? I honestly feel my mind took a vacation because it wasnt here for most of the week. Today im slapping myself...WAKE UP. Last week was a fluke! I wasnt feeling that awesome surge of rebirth thats for damn sure. So many missed phone calls, texts...get it togther.



It rained one of the days this week though and i felt it was another breakthrough...i noticed something while walking up to my house... a worm. Its been YEARS since ive noticed worms when it rains...

Shes a Lady

I remember reading a book where they explained red letter and black letter days. I guess when my envelope opened for the day it had one of each...

I got to sleep in for a bit finally...i was up about ten am instead of my usual twelve pm or later norm for a sunday. Basically rolled off the couch and left the house. I had to go up to phillips to get the freshest, prettiest flowers i could get. No jewel bouquets here. I put togther a huge bouquet of starfighter lillies, fushia peonies, and light pink fragrant stock with variegated lily grass. Perfest. Celloed it up with pink tissue and a light pink bow for my corinne. Came home after that and rummaged through the biggest box in the basement...the barbie box. I was able to find one of corinnes barbies in it...dressed her up and gave her a backpack full with little barbie trinkets that pertained to corinne...a barbie soccorball, hairdryer, soda, mirror, hairbrush, perfume. Had to make sure her barbie was prepared for any journey she was going to partake which i believe she was going home wioth the naumanns...

This wake was different from any other wake i had been too. Definitely the second most upsetting...first being dads. Every funeraL I have to endure now i will always remember walking into my dads for the first time...



I hadnt seen my dad since i told him i loved him the thursday before he went missing so it had been about a week and a half before i saw him again. Instantly walking into that funeral home i gripped my mom and had instant anixety and shakes. I did not want to walk up to that casket...and this memory will return and return to me for the rest of my life. Theres dad...in a casket.

THERES DAD IN A CASKET. THERES DAD IN A CASKET.

I lost it. It didnt even look like my dad. I was so angry. I was so sad. I was crushed. I was broken. I wanted to jump in there with him and just get creamated along with him. I had no choice...this is it. I pinned the most beautifukl boutonierre i had ever made on him. He didnt like wearing flowers. Well guess what dad, you are riding out in style for this one. I gave him my prettiest rosary.

I pulled up today to the funeral home. Walked through the parking lot seeing random peiople from life in plainfield...all striken with grief. I hugged Nicole basically and walked in...no one else cared to say a word to me. Thats fine...fuck 'em.

The demeanor in the funeral home was silent. Almost not a word was spoken between people just everyone looking at everyone else. I gathered up every ounce of any strength i had left in me to not lose it. I sobbed the whole time. We were seated right away and i looked to the front. I saw flowers, i saw pictures. I saw corinnes beautiful face in a frame. But no corinne. No ashes? No box? No body? No actual knowledge of how my friend slipped out of our lives into the next. Its upsetting me. Its eerie. The whole experience today was like that....

I wanted to hug Chad. I was told he was not speaking to a soul. Someday soon ill see him. We were seating, there was a service...her parents upset me the most. Whatever happened to Corinne must have been something she did....i feel if it was an accident we would know about it. And im so sorry....god help her family get through this. When the speaking ended it was like a rush to get everyone through to meet her parents and pay respects. I wanted to look at the posters so bad but it was hurried. The whole nature of the wake was just upsetting. Corinne i know your here...and i want to slap you upside the head. :(

Crystal showed up. THANK GOD crystal showed up. My twinny. We share the same birthday...she was part of our trio. A big part of my life and growing up. A true friend...non drama positve, upbeat. She really gets me. There are so few that i have that are like her. We get outside and some unknown was telling everyone that "everyone" was meeting at lonestar. I didnt want to go. AT all. Especially with a bunch iof people i used to know...that have facebook friended me...that dont GIVE A SHIT about me or anybody but themselves. I looked at Crystal and she wasnt down either. She was lucky and got the chance to opt out of this area...surburbia...Plainfield.... "Never never land"....

Yeah. Thats what iove labeled plainfield now... never never land. Most of the same people are there...doing nothing spectacular...sitting in pools of drama and bullshit...always looking for the party... most are broke with no jobs and just do nothing but shit talk. I feel sorry for the few good eggs left in that carton who are at least trying.

But anyways...Crystal and I broke from that clusterfuck and went to Chilis...lemme tell you i needed her. We needed that talk. Shes got the plan...shes driven, shes still upbeat, so positive...and knows alot of the tools to make it far in terms of just shaping yourself up to be an amazing person...
She was explaining things to help me that ive been slowly realizing the past couple weeks. So many of the same things it was scary. And the things we were relating to were scary too. Like i said my twin...Same birthday same height same sense of humor, shes getting a fucking peacock tasttoed on her back. Oh my god now thats just fucking scary. Awesome but scary. Shes got a wrist tattoo too AND AN EAR TATTOO OMFG. She has stomach business going on too...same eating habits. I walked away from our time togther enlightened and smiling. I will definitely be making a point to spend waaaaaay more time with her because shes worth it. She gets me. I can trust her. Yay.

Ugh. Im not really tired now but i know i work early. Sucks. Crystal is celebrating her birthday downtown where she lives and i just may go up there because she desereves it. I went out tonight for a while for Ilg's 21st. It was me, Dolfo, and Alex. And he was so appreciative i showed up. NJo one else did but us. I felt bad but he didnt he was overjoyed to see us. And im glad. We had a great time. He told me he didnt think i would show up. I told him if i say im going to show up somewhere i usually do...i hate being blown off and try VERY hard not to do it to anyone...but it only happens if im too sick to do something. At the end of the night Dolfo and Alex tell me "You know what? Youre a lady!" I loved that compliment and went to the jukebox to put on Tom JOnes "Shes a Lady".

Bloodshot eyes and barbies

Today was not good. No no no it was NOT good. Woke up with an unexplainable dizziness and stomach upsetness of course.... mood has been stabilizing but stomach problems are starting to get out of hand. Got in the way of working today...on my FAVORITE day to be at work because my creativity just looms out of control. Fuck my life. Yeah i said. I am sick of being sick. And i wanted to go back in time again and again to when i was sixteen because tyhat was a time before my first traumatic event happened and sent my mental health to a downward spiral taking my physical health with it. I have missed out on so much...oh my god it makes me so angry.

Yet i have just always felt its just not my fault. I think lexapro is putting those words in my mouth. I was supposed to go to the doctor thursday to finally start solving mysteries i have been putting up with for the past couple years. Well, my doctor dropped off my insurance and my refetrraL paper was useless. Once again, fuck my life. Back to square one. Get to put up with this shit for god knows when now.

Well if that wasnt such a fantastic beginning to my day, i come home to facebook. Log in, scroll down my news feed and stop in my tracks. Taryn, who i went to grade school thru 7th grade has a status message saying "RIP Corinne" ...ok theres only ONE corinne. the ONLY corinne. my friend corinne of forever. Known her since i moved to plainfield. was my sister practically. THIS COULDNT BE REAL LIFE...



yeah. MY corinne. MY CORINNE is gone.

What the fuck. Are you kidding me? Are you seriously joking right now? PleaSE. Nope. My corinne has left me. Im hysterical. I cannot come to terms with it. What the fuck happened? No one is saying, and i can believe no one right now. I called mom right away, her shift was almost over. I had to go to her house...had to see my second mom and dad...

Pulled up to her beautiful house in plainfield. I lived there practically...it was a block away from mine but i cut thru the yards...it was right there. It used to be a salmon colored house...definitely stoof out. The house is beautiful though...her mom loves to garden and designs yards...shes so talented. Always covered with flowers and plants and the house is a victorion style which is now painted a different color....but its gorgeous...plants all in bloom....the backyard is beautiful too covered in mature trees....i spent so much time there. I was part of that family for so long....

We walk up and im shaking and im crying. My corinne. Her dad answers the door and just looks at me completley complacent but shaking. We just held each other and i balled and balled..just held him tight like i would do to my dad. Then mom came to the door and she lost it. I held her too. Couldnt say much of anything my body wouldnt let me. Oh my god her parents... i felt bad for being there but i knew it was ok to be there. Mom came with me. Not much was said...her mom left to go upstairs she couldnt handle being down there...and i sat with her dad on the same couches that have been there in the beautiful front room that was always breezy and shaded....i just hugged his arm and sat on the couch and cried there. Her dad was always comforting...i always liked him he was silly and loving. Her aunt dawn was there which i loved growing up..she was the cool aunt. Her and my mom were whisper talking. I heard my mom ask what happened and aunt dawn WOULD NOT say....

corinne...what happened??? God dammit what happened to you? YOU ARE A FUCKING BEAUTIFUL PERSON. TO THIS DAY WE WERE STILL FRIENDS.

God must have needed you...he needed your angelic existence. Im hoping to god that ione of the last things you heard me say to you was i love you. We go way back girl...

You were like the second person i met when i moved in....pretty much friends ever since then. So many sleepovers...staying up super late play Ready Set Spaghetti and playing with legos...whatever i had you had to have and when you got something i wanted it too! We were always up to something...traveling in the depths of your backyard through trees...playing in the creek...picking flowers. We were always swinging in my backyard and making movies and playing in my basement playing resturant...and the barbies...oh the barbies...

You had your dollhouse that i loved so mcuh that your grandpa built for you...we would drag trashbags of barbies to each others houses and go nuts...we had so much! We never got sick of them. I still have one of your ken dolls even. We grew up togther...found stuff out about life. Got bothered by chad all the time...always wanted to destroy our barbies lives with his gi joes...always just wanted to bother us. I remember the one time we were all in the basement and made up dances to songs. You had the trampoline too we always played on that and then you got a pool.. i didnt even come home for dinner half the time. We seriously spent whole summers doing things together. Went to school...so excited that finally in fifth grade we got to be in the same class! We experienced most of middle school togther...getting ready for dances with eyeshadow and glitter...listening to robyn and tlc. You didnt need makeup though...you were so pretty. The boys loved you! I was always jealous of how athletic you were...that was something i never had. You were so good at sports and you tried teaching me so many things that i never caught on too. I remember when i was diagnosed with diabetes and you made me a card with a frog on it...the reason i never went home for dinner is because i was never hungry and had high blood sugar...

Oh my god...remember the week that we played house all week in the fort in my backyard? I dragged out that plastic kitchen set and we had a whole house going...one time we covered the fort in plstic while there was a huge rainstorm and we stayed out there while it rained. You stuck up for me on the bus when the boys were being shitty...aLWAYS told me to never let people walk all over me. You introduced me to dinty moore beef stew :) I loved your family you loved mine...and minwe loved you. Even my dad...and thats soemthing because my dad only liked so many of my friends.

I hated to move away. It wasnt far but it was still too far. I had a birthday party the year after i moved in and only a couple people came and you were one of them. I never lost touch with you and when i could drive i still came over. I always kept track of you...i loved you. You were one of those friends i could trust and could do anything with. I didnt feel stupid around you.

Oh my god. I am so sorry this happened. And im sorry for you and right now i dont even know WHAT happened. When i find out it better not be because you wanted it to happen...it better not be because you were trying something. I know you. You liked extremes...and thats not bad but sometimes it wasnt good either.

There is a definite puncture wound in my heart. My eyes are bloodshot from crying, theres makeup all over my face. Cheeks are puffy red. I have the shakes. Im going to work in the morning to pick out beautiful flowers for you...you deserve the BEST. No jewel bouquets. Trying to locate the barbie box downstairs ill try to find you a good barbie to take with you. I found one but shes naked...maybe i can run by and fiund an outfit for her that resembles more something you would wear...

I hope you are up there listening right now...in fact i know you are. Say hi to dad for me...keep him company...ill try to keep your dad company down here. Crystal is coming tomarrow too...our trio...she feels horrible please forgive and forget whatever was going on.

I would give anything to hug you right now...

evaluation of this situation

Are all guys the same?

Or did i blow it before IT even started?

"Hello what the hell am I doin' here
That's a really nice suit
This is a really comfortable chair
See I don't know if you can help me or not
Cause I don't feel sick
But the pains in my head have almost put me
Underground
I don't really care if I'm healthy or not
Just clean my head up doc
I'll give you anything you want
See I don't know why I don't fall in love
Well maybe I know why and maybe you could make it stop
Then we'll cut it up and bury it and leave it
Underground
And I'll take to wishing and fall under
Sleeping safe and sound
Just give me medicine prescribe me anything
Just knock me out and walk me through the door
I have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore
Hello what the hell are you doing here
You made a really strange face
This is a really uncomfortable air
I see I'm boring you, maybe I bore myself too
That's why I need help, I'm cleaning blood off dusty shelves
I been cut up in this room so many times it might take days
And those stress cracks in the wood
How nicely the soak up the stains
Been telling myself these jokes for so long well so long
I'm a has been who is heckled on the stage"

rebirth

wow. what a day. a weird day...a day of enlightenment and realization. Im glad that i had brittany to help me because i feel today would of just been another one of my straigtening up days for my room where i basically just reorganize the same shit ive been holding on to for years and for what exactly? I hauled about 9 trash bags of things out of my room. Total crap. Things from my previous years that have no meaning to keep really...things that were nice at the moment but need to just not exist in my presence. And we talked about alot of things. Things that i dont feel i can talk about with much others...probably no one at all. I feel accomplished in so many ways...ways people know and ways i refuse to tell. But things are changing. And i like it i think.

I even got rid of "the notes" These notes were a really mean joke that got played on me in 7th grade. One day a crush i had wrote how he was asking me out and sorry he was so mean to me and that he kept it a secret that he liked me so long. When you are young like that a have a crush...yeah its real. I freaked. I didnt know what to do...but you now what? I was excited...and i was happy. It was a fairytale ok? MY fucking fairytale...
The next day on the bus i got another note...it said he had a girlfriend and laughed at me in the note. Told me how annoying i was. Told me how i couldnt get it through my head that he didnt like me. He told me he would never ever go out with me ever...

I kept these notes. They were hardly paper...they were soft from being everywhere with me. Why did i keep these two pieces of paper? For so many years? I even told Brittany how this was probably the first time i had been so embarrassed i wanted to die. I honestly did not care at that moment that i lived another day. I had felt utter true humiliation. But yet these pieces of paper still existed...why?

I have no clue.


I even debated on pitching them. Brittany did not stutter when she said throw them away.

I did it.