...these explosions arent good. Well..professionals i go to and myself think they ARE perfectly normal when i hold emotions in for so long that they finally pour out. I cant help it. And its unavoidable....but also i feel they make me feel good. But i notice the average human being sees it as a "major" freakout. Ugh. In this situation it definitely becomes me being stuck between a rock and a hard place. But honestly i just wish people would stop and assess why its happening. With that said i believe its just natural human instinct to be overwhelmed and flee a person acting like this...like when someone dies...people just simply do not know how to react.
Ugh. Anyways. Now i have my wisdom tooth out and what an ordeal it was. Its taking two weeks of bullshit. Phillips gave me the talk about low hours and health insurance last monday and then all this started and im just not happy. If i lose my insurance oh well. I had to get this taken care of.
About a month ago i also met someone really fantastic that has been a great motivation to me as far as the over wellness oh my body and mind. I met Jeanine...
...Jeanine could be my twin except shes about 30 years older than me. She has overcome the destruction of diabetes by working out at the gym...something i thought i would NEVER do. I saw her sucess story and i had to do it. I finally joined the gym. And let me tell you...endorphins are one of my favorite drugs now. I needed to do it. And im glad i did. She is scaringly like me...traits little and big about her. She has a love for birds and bird motifs. Crystals and trinkets...awesome shoes and clothes...totally in love with her feminine side. She also has helped me over mountains with being at peace with myself and reminding me i need to be happy...my happiness comes FIRST now. All about me. I need to embrace ME. Me and her support each other through similar situations that not many people are having and it feels awesome. She has definitely brought me to the next chapter in my life.
Happiness. Sad to say also last week i lost a friend. She truly believes i have been so incredibly tosic to her that she deleted me from her life. The last words she sent to me were so incredibly hurtful and ridiculous i just shrugged my shoulders and didnt really care either. She left my life. If she ever becomes ready to come back ill still be here. I dont know if she will but its not loss if she doesnt. I dont even feel like elaborating on any details of all the things i thought and the things that happened between us and the reasons why i think its absolutely absurd. Karma is a bitch. But i dont wish the worst to her. I pray that she finds HER place in the sun and she lives on. I still love her. And also that is what she told me lastly was its bullshit that i do. Its alright. No loss.
There were several people in my life recently that i felt i was so close to that up and quit on me...just like when my dad died. But i feel i found strength to not care if they feel im just so out of control for them. And i could go on about how theyve hurt me too but ive put up with it. I just dont give a fuck anymore about it. Im stick of trying to stick up for myself and cover my ass when im in an argument. Ive definitely been friends with the complete wrong people for me.
I feel June was a groundbreaking month. I did a couplke things this month ive never done before and its just opened my eyes and simplified things for me. Slowly ive felt myself dropping back in my body. These past two years i felt like ive been coasting in a spot of the universe that hasnt felt real...real as in me like 5 or so years ago. I keep telling myself "Im going to be oikay somebody i swear" Im definitely one of those 1,500 piece jigsaw puzzles that got kncoked off a card table half finished....
....you cant put togther one of those things at a party. Too many drunk people walking around with not a care in the world. I know now that this is an independant project i have to complete by myself.
...so here i go.
